This was an error but even errors can be instructive

May 30, 2016 § Leave a comment

This was an error but even errors can be instructive. It felt so strongly wrong, that I now am close to realising what is right. On the long train journey from Brussels to Berlin I realised travelling was over for me. The moment I had the flash of inspiration to turn around as soon as I got to Berlin and rush home came just before the Kaiser Wilhelm Statue overlooking Port Westfalen. The highlights of the holiday were the Cine ABC, the gorgeous ham & egg rolls on the way from Brussels to Berlin, the black cock in one of the party videos I watched. Nothing else. Good. Now I know I can consign travelling alone to the dustbin of my history. It was a phase I went through. A rich and glorious phase but it came to an end a long time ago, and this trip just proved it and rubber stamped it. If I travel now it can only be with —–. To Italy I hope. Venice. The Rubicon. Pisa. Turin. Rome.

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Let me commence a new career of sinning in Moloch. I need to sin. I sin therefore I am

May 29, 2016 § Leave a comment

Let me commence a new career of sinning in Moloch. I need to sin. I sin therefore I am. Olga, Vanessa, Arrika and Evalina were all still in Berlin all looking much much worse for wear and nothing like the voluptuous beauties of my memory. It was a shocking eye-opener. Were they really that bad before? I will not remember one single woman from this holiday. Maybe it is because I am married now (am I still?) to the sexiest woman in the world, I really don’t look so much or care so much. Going to Berlin was a mad crazy thing and I salute myself for it, as I sit in the library gazing out to the lush fronds crowding around the French windows, the last heat of summer warming me, butterflies chasing each other in and out. Already I am frisky again! But I do not summon my negroid; I search for something else. I think this rush helter skelter back to London that has cost me £850 is glorious and mad and crazy. I must lead a double life in the ruins. I crave ruins and degradation. All that talk in Stations 2006 about how much I longed to go back to Europe is perfect for Casanova. But now it is something else; about being able to find a life in the ruins while remaining married. Important concepts are starting to emerge and crystallise after this strange two days in Brussels and Berlin.

The temptation of Berlin was too much for me and it has proved ruinous. So? I like ruins!

May 29, 2016 § 1 Comment

The temptation of Berlin was too much for me and it has proved ruinous. So? I like ruins! The tropical shrubbery and ferns growing in the ruins, classical music playing from gramophones in nooks and crannies. I find ruins fertile and rich and always seek them out, and am happiest in them. They are erotic. Degeneracy is erotic. Despair is erotic. On flickering cinema screens Despair is playing, Dirk Bogarde watching himself make love to his voluptuous wife Lydia. Serpent’s Egg, The Beast. Now, Murder on the Orient Express. Bad Timing. I wander through the overgrown gardens of giant ferns and step through the open French windows of the library and sit in a red leather armchair. A huge negroid woman removes her dress and kneels in front of me. I am ruined and she ruins me some more. I ruin myself all over her face and gigantic breasts. Hubba Bubba. Now I want to be in my Brussels hotel bar again; I want to be in Murphy’s watching the plump Brussels girls. I want to be spending my nights in Cine ABC (and was that another one I saw just down the road?). But oh there are no music channels on the TVs. Nor in Berlin. Orient Express. Is that the title of my long-awaited new book?

The highlights of this trip. None. Absolutely none. All I remember is the black cock

May 29, 2016 § Leave a comment

The highlights of this trip. None. Absolutely none. All I remember is the black cock in that party video. Maybe I need to force myself back to cinema again. The only interesting moment was in the Cine ABC. The film was an erotic Murder on the Orient Express from about 1972 but the sound was so bad it was fully ten minutes before I realised it was in English. The sex scenes seemed to only last 2-3 minutes before the man came, so it was very realistic, unlike the modern porn films. Then the red-green disco dots rotated on the screen and a girl walked down the aisle between us dressed in what looked like an NHS patient’s smock which she removed on stage to begin dancing around a chair. She looked totally bored and contemptuous, like a voluptuous Nicole, but I found her arousing. After her two songs finished she put her smock back on and walked back up the aisle past us and the film resumed. Now I think I could spend many happy hours here! Oh why didn’t I stay in Brussels!

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Going to Berlin was a disaster. Going so far away from —– was too much

May 28, 2016 § Leave a comment

Going to Berlin was a disaster. Going so far away from —– was too much. Before I was even half way to Berlin I wanted to turn back, and rush back home to her. It may take me a long time to rediscover my poise and composure after this three days but I shall. It was a good experience because I learnt travelling is finished for me. Berlin is finished for me. Brussels is finished for me. Is it just Moloch then? And what there? Can I find something to do there? Write my books. Finish the four books. Now I am in the post-travelling period. I cannot go back.

My desperation to get out of Berlin and back to Moloch to see —– at the ——– has cost me an extra £830. It is beyond belief

May 28, 2016 § Leave a comment

My desperation to get out of Berlin and back to Moloch to see —– at the ——– has cost me an extra £830. It is beyond belief. This madness. I could not go another day without seeing her. What reception awaits? I could not bear to stay one more day in Berlin. I will never come back again. I can’t wait to get back to Moloch. 12 arrival. Plus an hour 30 minutes to the ——– 130. Drink like a fish to prepare to see her again. I will never travel without her again. If I do anything I do it in Moloch. Now I wish I had stayed in Brussels Friday. Then when I decided to rush back home to see —– it would have just been two hours and I’d have been there. I could have gone to Wiertz and Modern Art and Palais de Justice and drank in Murphy’s Bar watching the plump Belgian girls passing.

On the train from Köln to Berlin I have turned into Leontes

May 28, 2016 § Leave a comment

On the train from Köln to Berlin I have turned into Leontes. I feel a hatred and contempt for all people, which no doubt stems from a hatred and contempt for myself. All I can think about is her with other men while I am away. Well I really learnt something on this trip, and answered a lot of questions. I have to go back. It is the most thrilling option. Always travel towards what you believe to be the most beautiful thing. We will see if I meet anything in Berlin tonight to change my mind.

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