I was halfway through my first Zipfer at the Dorint bar before I looked behind the bar and realised this is where Lotta stood eight years ago
July 30, 2016 §
I was halfway through my first Zipfer at the Dorint bar before I looked behind the bar and realised this is where Lotta stood eight years ago. It was quite an incredibly powerful moment. I travel always looking for another Lotta; another Riccarda; another Yulia, Diana, Iga, Emily, Martina—but I never meet them anymore. I travel looking for the real Lotta again, really. The more Zipfer I have the more that four days with Lotta comes more and more back to life—and the gap between that memory and this present reality more and more stark. When I look at —– I feel I am looking at myself. I feel so inseparable from her. If we met years in the future, having not seen each other for all these years, I would break down in tears unable to control my grief. Six years since I have been in the Dorint bar. Unbelievable. I miss my youth and innocence and hairtrigger eroticism of those days. But, I suppose, not the pain, the tortures, the agonies. When I start drinking, I only want to be alone, it’s true. This incredible paradox of being with someone is so hard for me to get my head around. For a normal person this is normal. To enjoy sin I’ve got to be so drunk that I cannot see, so I’ve completely lost my moral compass. Moral compass. What does that mean for a man like me. Being on my own at Gatwick I felt the most incredible hunger for every woman I saw; this is why I have to travel. Nothing happens, but that feeling keeps me feeling young, alive. I look at the armchair I sat in when Lotta suddenly appeared at my shoulder 8 years ago, and it seems like another lifetime, a dream; not something that really happened. But that’s how my journeys used to be. Unbelievable fantasies made real.