Making my freedom within my marriage

September 4, 2016 § Leave a comment

Making my freedom within my marriage; make a bubble of freedom protected by a force field within the marriage. A bubble in which I can breathe completely freely—for as long as she still puts up with me (miracle that she does). I think my freedom will come starting in afternoon pubs, 1230, 1pm, the absolute joy of my life. Plenty of time to be free and still be home in time for the wife, or turn it into an all night if ever necessary—having built up a bit of steam and momentum and in that state being capable of anything. My strategy for finding some workable double life for myself must be carefully thought out. There are times when I have felt close to the edge and thought I must let the marriage go, in order to find the freedom I feel I need. A useful analogy would be having to sleep at night with the windows closed, when I can only sleep with windows open. In the end I feel like I am going to explode with frustration because I cannot sleep and have to get up and throw them open, to the noise and traffic and revellers—then I can relax. Marriage feels like having to sleep with the windows closed, but then at times you feel cold and really need the warmth that marriage provides. But usually I need fresh air, and it would be perfect if I can find the fresh air I need within the marriage, without having to lose the marriage. I offer her fresh air, too, but she prefers closed rooms. I offer her freedom she does not want. She wants to be in all day waiting for me then if I don’t come straight home gets upset. I would rather she went out and did things with her friends somewhere to give me more freedom and breathing space. I think this would keep the spark and romance in our affair—but the thought I don’t want to be with her every single minute makes her very sad and feel that I do not love her. Because I love her and want to keep that love fresh and alive, and blooming and blossoming, I think we should spend more time doing things alone or with other people. So we start to miss each other and then can really enjoy come back together and seeing each other again. “Our set up is sweet, there isn’t a catch. The secret is living semi-detached”. Her conception of a relationship is very different. It remains to be seen if we can survive. I think when I am with her I must give her my absolute all, care, devotion, tenderness, passion, and then when I want to be alone I must do that to the utmost as well, and enjoy my moments of freedom to the nth degree. Thus I wonder if a balance can be achieved. A double life can be found and made to work. The Marriage of Helen & Faustus can go on, and indeed bloom and blossom. It is steadfastly refusing to bud at the moment as if it is not getting the sunlight it needs, like the flowers and ferns in our house. If we moved to a higher floor, they would get the light they need to flourish, and I feel our marriage would be the same, if we could lift it onto another level—where the sunshine could flood in.

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You are currently reading Making my freedom within my marriage at Casanova (Lost Wanderings) 2006-2007.


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