I have taken the biggest decision of my life; to manufacture this rupture with —–
September 10, 2016 § Leave a comment
I have taken the biggest decision of my life; to manufacture this rupture with —–. I love her, more than anything else in the world, but I have to be allowed to love her in my own way, as a free spirit. She cannot accept this and so will find someone and somewhere else as soon as possible, then will never see me again. And in the last few days as we have distanced from each other, my love and affection have started flooding back. This is what I wanted. I wanted to miss her, and feel jealous to think of her with someone else; I am a masochist maybe. Like a kid biting down on a loose tooth to taste the blood. I manufactured this split to bite down on it and taste the blood. Funny, after all these years, I still have no desire to go to Paris, or to Rome. Always I just want to go back to Berlin, Munich, Vienna, Brussels; at least now I am branching out for my first night in Cologne. I can only live as a lone wanderer, and —– wants a husband and a family, and someone who is going to come straight home to her every night. I am not going to stand in her way anymore; and she will not stand in mine. I am glad we have had this 20 months to give our love to each other, and total devotion.