There are signs that the old glory could return

September 25, 2016 § Leave a comment

There are signs that the old glory could return: with Melani in Munich I could have had an amazingly dirty time, with Czech blonde Victoria in Frankfurt’s Moulin Rouge I could have had an amazingly dirty time, with the 4 stunning Esmeraldas at Brussels Gare du Nord I could have had an amazingly dirty time. That is six opportunities on that one trip to have done something dirty like I used to, but now I just keep stopping myself and tell myself to walk away. I think I have just raised my bar much higher now, because I am with —– now, and because I am so catastrophically in Arabella/Greekesque debt which is growing bigger all the time. Before I would go with almost anyone and not care less about the cost—because I had no one waiting for me at home and because my debts were then just in their infancy, just in the foothills, whereas now they are like the Alps and the Himalayas, Krakatoa and Vesuvius. So I travel everywhere with the Continence of Scipio, but it is a self-imposed continence. I look but don’t touch. Six years ago for sure I would have stayed till the end of the night to try to do something with Melani, for sure I would have gone with Victoria and her massive breasts into the Moulin Rouge separee, for sure I would have gone with one of the four Nord whores, and would have had a deliciously naughty time—now I always flirt with it but ultimately abstain. “I flirt with rescue when I have no intention of being saved”. This line from Smiles of the Summer Night is one that follows me through my life. It is only me, then, perhaps, that is stopping the old glory from returning. I would have to overcome my own reticence. If it turns out that I can never bring myself to go through with it, then so be it. I went to Berlin in September last year and did nothing, to Vienna in March and did nothing, to Cologne this September and did nothing, to Munich & Frankfurt & Brussels this month and did nothing, and I came home feeling proud that I did nothing. Temptation is much easier to resist than it used to be. Turning — means I am not in the white heat of lust all the time, which also helps, at the same as I feel sad that I am not in the white heat of lust all the time.
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