I want to simplify my life and become very pure and small again

January 23, 2017 § Leave a comment

I want to simplify my life, and become very pure and small again.

I feel now like I did before my first grand tour to Sweden, Berlin, Vienna and Munich in 1999

January 23, 2017 § Leave a comment

I feel now like I did before my first grand tour to Sweden, Berlin, Vienna and Munich in 1999; incredibly small and attacked, yet hoping to learn something about myself in the despair and the black nights and the loneliness of my journey. This is when the wolves all come out and fall upon you.

I retreat like a stag at bay like Byron to Switzerland. Sometimes you have to take some steps backwards in order to go forward any further

January 23, 2017 § Leave a comment

I retreat like a stag at bay, like Byron to Switzerland. Sometimes you have to take some steps backwards in order to go forward any further. The path to your destination can sometimes mean you doubling back in the opposite direction. Take care you don’t get lost!

I no longer care if my infection gets cured or not

January 22, 2017 § Leave a comment

I no longer care if my infection gets cured or not; I just want to be left alone with my classical music, my ferns, and my lamps.

It is true though that I love those long train journeys across Europe. Just to spend some days alone with my thoughts and my pen and paper

January 22, 2017 § Leave a comment

It is true, though, that I love those long train journeys across Europe. Just to spend some days alone with my thoughts and my pen and paper. Perhaps I can enjoy one last Grand Tour of all my favourite places, before I retire from it. Oh but then a year later I will want one more Grand Tour just for old time’s sake, and it will never really end. I don’t know if I can really give up the solitary travelling. It does fulfill some need I have for solitariness. Like Helmut Kohl once a year would take himself off to a health spa. Last year I travelled to Europe four times and spent a total of 12 nights away from home, away from ——. 12 nights to myself out of 365 is not much is it? Perhaps I should allow myself just one Grand Tour a year, and in that tour go to all my places in one go. That is the glory of the Inter Rail Pass. If you are bored in one place, just jump on a train and leave sooner than you planned. If you stop off in another place not planning to stay, but find something amazing to detain you, just hang around longer than planned. That is why going on holiday by plane and just flying from A to B then back home to A again is so boring. Yes, let me allow myself one Grand Tour a year. Then I can just dip into northern Italy for a day or two, just dip into Switzerland and the Alps for a day or two. Get little tasters of those places I have always wanted to go to but will probably never have the time or money to ever really explore as much as I want. If I allow myself one Grand Tour a year, I will be free to go to as many beaches and clear blue seas as —— wants the rest of the year, to try to erase my guilt and shame at leaving her alone! See! I have already talked myself back into travelling alone!

To turn my back on the ice and high mountains

January 21, 2017 § Leave a comment

To turn my back on the ice and high mountains, on the glaciers and the Jungfraujoch, and turn instead to white beaches, clear blue seas, steaming palmhouses. To leave behind the bar of the Berlin Plaza, the Rechthaler Hof restaurant in Munich, the Café du Dôme and Brussels Grill in Brussels? Already the doubts set in! But I love —– too much and hate leaving her behind too much. Of course I can still enjoy some small pleasures in the hothouse, sultry atmosphere of London in summer when —– is busy.

I feel a turning point has been reached this very night, this very moment. I feel an overwhelming desire to go on holiday with —–

January 19, 2017 § Leave a comment

I feel a turning point has been reached this very night, this very moment. I feel an overwhelming desire to go on holiday with —–, lots of holidays. Madeira was my happiest memory in life. This is the state of grace I want to live in. Now I want to fill my time with Alban Berg, Anton Webern, Arnold Schoenberg, with ferns, ferns, ferns all around me, French Windows open to the hot summer blue skies and butterflies and bumblebees chasing each other in and out, until I can get back to white beaches and clear blue seas with —–. “Heady nights of mostly late romantic music”, sultry days in London pubs sheltering from the thunder & lightning, and the torrential summer downpours, as day turns into night in the lashing winds, and buses and Charing Cross Road bookshops glow bright yellow in the Stygian gloom as the afternoon storm rages. Writing my book, and loving —–. Spending Winters heading somewhere hot. Watching her in the underground jacuzzi as Cocteau watches Francine and Doudou painting. “Last night, lying in the studio, I was watching Francine and Doudou painting, and I reflected: ‘How cowardly of you to dare to complain! Here are the two human beings you love most. Nothing happens to be in their minds besides their work and their hope of pleasing you. Francine enjoys herself so seriously, so carefully. Doudou performs wonders without attaching any more importance to them than Francine to what she does.’ Sometimes I get up and go over to my desk, to correct mistakes that occur to me. Sailboats pass out at sea. These are priceless moments. A calm which many scorn because they do not possess it. A piece of good fortune I shall doubtless have to pay for. Consider my crises as a tax on that fortune.”

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