The question then is why has my sub-conscious cursed me with this affliction? Did it feel I needed to be punished?

January 15, 2017 § Leave a comment

The question then is why has my sub-conscious cursed me with this affliction? Did it feel I needed to be punished? Reined in? My finances are absolutely on a knife’s edge again; absolutely on the precipice teetering over the abyss of destruction. How? I was over £22,000 in debt but the financial miracle of last October was supposed to completely ease that pressure. However, very soon the tide of financial pressure came back in again and threatened to subsume me once more. Then I thought once I get to April and the final end of my £218 monthly loan repayments, the light at the end of the tunnel or so I thought, then I thought I could at last be out of the tunnel and back in fresh air again. Yet the loan has finished and I still find myself on the precipice just as much as when I was still paying it; just as much as I was before the financial miracle of October. Nothing it seems can pull me away from this precipice of financial destruction. I am like Maximilian Schell in The Black Hole, just about resisting the gravitational pull of the black hole, but unable to ever pull myself away from it. I thought after the financial miracle of October I could break free, but it held me in place; I thought after the April end of my loan repayments I would be free, but it held me in place. So now I think my sub-conscious created this infection to force me to stay in the house, and keep me away from any temptations, to be naughty in London or to travel again, because it knew how close to financial destruction I once again am. I think only if my finances improve will this infection go; and so there is little prospect of that. There are no more lights at the end of the tunnel. Both of them have come and gone and proved to be not the end of the tunnel after all.
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You are currently reading The question then is why has my sub-conscious cursed me with this affliction? Did it feel I needed to be punished? at The Struggle to Stay Married.

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