I feel a turning point has been reached this very night, this very moment. I feel an overwhelming desire to go on holiday with —–

January 19, 2017 § Leave a comment

I feel a turning point has been reached this very night, this very moment. I feel an overwhelming desire to go on holiday with —–, lots of holidays. Madeira was my happiest memory in life. This is the state of grace I want to live in. Now I want to fill my time with Alban Berg, Anton Webern, Arnold Schoenberg, with ferns, ferns, ferns all around me, French Windows open to the hot summer blue skies and butterflies and bumblebees chasing each other in and out, until I can get back to white beaches and clear blue seas with —–. “Heady nights of mostly late romantic music”, sultry days in London pubs sheltering from the thunder & lightning, and the torrential summer downpours, as day turns into night in the lashing winds, and buses and Charing Cross Road bookshops glow bright yellow in the Stygian gloom as the afternoon storm rages. Writing my book, and loving —–. Spending Winters heading somewhere hot. Watching her in the underground jacuzzi as Cocteau watches Francine and Doudou painting. “Last night, lying in the studio, I was watching Francine and Doudou painting, and I reflected: ‘How cowardly of you to dare to complain! Here are the two human beings you love most. Nothing happens to be in their minds besides their work and their hope of pleasing you. Francine enjoys herself so seriously, so carefully. Doudou performs wonders without attaching any more importance to them than Francine to what she does.’ Sometimes I get up and go over to my desk, to correct mistakes that occur to me. Sailboats pass out at sea. These are priceless moments. A calm which many scorn because they do not possess it. A piece of good fortune I shall doubtless have to pay for. Consider my crises as a tax on that fortune.”

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