I think she should have helped me come to terms with who I am, not made me ashamed for being who I am

July 26, 2017 § Leave a comment

I think she should have helped me come to terms with who I am, not made me ashamed for being who I am. I get that off of everybody else. You help people accept something that they don’t like about themselves, like the Leaning Tower of Pisa saying quick, this is an emergency, I really need you now, and Sarah came up and says all right then, and gives it that last shove to send it crashing to the ground; I want some temporary support to right myself a bit. Prop me up once and for all, so I’d be safe forever. The tower is one of the wonders of the world; so am I.

I felt hurt and confused that there was this woman who kept trying to change me; some might say that went with the territory

July 16, 2017 § Leave a comment

I felt hurt and confused that there was this woman who kept trying to change me; some might say that went with the territory, rather; but I associated attempts to criticise and change me with my enemies, somehow in my mixed up state I didn’t expect it of her. Like falling in love with someone, then they try to change you.

arbet_08

Ashamed of myself I judged myself most viciously. Now I’m starting to like myself again

July 16, 2017 § Leave a comment

Ashamed of myself, I judged myself most viciously. Now I’m starting to like myself again, and I start to think maybe what I did wasn’t so bad after all; in fact, it was the only right thing to have done! So now the measures I put in place to punish me, and make me alter my future behaviour, have gradually been loosened and exceptions have been allowed more and more, till the restrictions have been virtually removed altogether, and I’ve gone back to almost exactly the way I was before.

The Justice Ministry is judging myself and it starts out with very big promises of the changes it will be instigating

July 16, 2017 § Leave a comment

The Justice Ministry is judging myself, and it starts out with very big promises of the changes it will be instigating, but then bit by bit it starts to back away from them, until things are allowed to go back how they were before.

1200px-2268_-_München_-_Karlsplatz

The block of ice can’t help giving off a cold air, it doesn’t do it deliberately

July 14, 2017 § Leave a comment

The block of ice can’t help giving off a cold air, it doesn’t do it deliberately. It’s not its fault. The block of ice doesn’t want to be a block of ice, it would much rather be a warm pool teeming with micro-bacterial life. It’s punishment enough to be trapped as a block of ice, it doesn’t need abuse from other people as well. It doesn’t need punishment from outside, being like this is punishment enough.

I’ve gone back to a lot of bad things but I’ve also brought forward out of my time with Sarah a lot of new strong things

July 14, 2017 § Leave a comment

I’ve gone back to a lot of bad things, but I’ve also brought forward out of my time with Sarah a lot of new strong things. Things seem blacker now because I’ve got a more realistic view of things: so things are revealed as being more permanently black and scary, but at the same time I’ve got new strength to deal with it.

I feel both more permanently scared and at the same time more content

July 14, 2017 § Leave a comment

I feel both more permanently scared and at the same time more content.