It is my frustrated desire to return to Europe, to go out at all, that is causing all these floods in Germany, Austria and the Czech Republic

January 19, 2017 § Leave a comment

It is my frustrated desire to return to Europe, to go out at all, that is causing all these floods in Germany, Austria and the Czech Republic. Passau has almost completely disappeared. I am becoming heavy, and sodden, with this desire to travel again. The more I am not able to travel, because of debts, tenderness, and infection, the more the temptation grows. Now all I want to do is go on holiday with —–.

Still I wait for the next great blow to fall. I feel there is another great blow waiting for me just around the corner

January 19, 2017 § Leave a comment

Still I wait for the next great blow to fall. I feel there is another great blow waiting for me just around the corner; one of those life-changing hammer blows that befall us all periodically. I always shore myself together, so when the great flood comes, when some dam bursts, I can float away on my raft that is already prepared. No great flood will ever catch me by surprise; I expect it every day. I always expect one of these periodic spells of being wiped out, thrown back on stormy seas, searching for years for another safe harbour, and having to start all over again. But I do feel low, and scared, and so ugly and loathsome tonight. I can feel the excess constantly around my eyes, the grey rings. Yet I already look forward to a rainy Wednesday, when I am free to do it all again.

Why do I feel so depressed and…scared tonight

January 18, 2017 § Leave a comment

Why do I feel so depressed, and…scared tonight. I think two days of wasteful excess on Thursday and Friday are responsible for this. I feel completely ugly and bloated now. Excess always goes straight to my face so everyone can see it. I feel everyone is against me now, at work, at home, in the street. Just a couple of unkind words are enough to plunge me into misery. It is perhaps merely a feeling of self-loathing which I project onto the faces of everyone around. I have passed a completely sober Saturday quietly at home, with my ferns and my classical music. “A heady night of mostly late romantic music by Berg, Schoenberg and Webern”. I feel the benefit of it now in my clear-headedness, and the easy flow of the ink from my pen, yet I am also crushingly aware of this awful, ugly, fat face. My wastefulness and foolishness are written all over it.

Which way is this battle going to go?

January 17, 2017 § Leave a comment

Which way is this battle going to go?

I think my sub-conscious knew I was edging towards returning to a Grand Tour of Europe I can certainly in no way afford and deep down do not want to go on

January 17, 2017 § Leave a comment

I think my sub-conscious knew I was edging towards returning to a Grand Tour of Europe I can certainly in no way afford, and deep down do not want to go on, as I do not want to leave —– anymore, but still I was getting closer to doing it, so my sub-conscious knew it has to throw a huge spanner in the works, and make sure I did not make that terrible mistake again. The virus is my also nagging desire to go back to Europe, and as long as that is in my system, and as long as the consequent repulsion at the thought of going back to Europe is also in my system, so the infection will persist and not lose an iota of its virulence. The infection is manifest visual representation of the battle that is waging inside me, Jakob with the Angel, Gandalf with the Balrog, over whether I go back to Europe or not. The infection is me telling myself: No! Do not do something you really do not want to do! Resist your old temptation! You must fight against slipping back into that old addiction, travelling, travelling, travelling, all with money you do not have! Do not slip back into the plus £20,000 debts again! There will not be another financial miracle sent your way to get you out of it next time! That was your second chance and don’t blow it!

I do think there is something sexy in illness, in disease, in fever

January 16, 2017 § Leave a comment

I do think there is something sexy in illness, in disease, in fever. When your body is mired in swamp-like, creepy crawly things, and you cannot go out, when your libido is brought to a halt, then your erotic wells start to fill up and you crave release and erotic abandon again. The same way despair is essential for erotic excitement, disease and fever serves the same purpose. I am a great advocate for despair! A great advocate for disease! A great advocate for fever! The cheapest, most tawdry, and awful sexual experiences of my life are the ones I never forget, and the ones I yearn to experience again. The more awful it was, the more I seem to crave it.

There is no cream or oil or pills that will cure me of this bothersome infection; it will only be cured in my mind

January 16, 2017 § Leave a comment

There is no cream or oil or pills that will cure me of this bothersome infection; it will only be cured in my mind. Therefore I resolve to just forget about it, accept it will always be there and then one day find it has gone. It has affected and curtailed my behaviour for a long time, so god knows what financial straits I would be in if I had not had this infection; even more catastrophically bad than they are now for sure. It may be it will continue to curtail my behaviour for a very long time to come, and a very good thing, too! The plans to travel back to Europe again get pushed back month after month, and I now shelve them indefinitely. The thought of leaving —– behind I also find increasingly difficult to confront.