I can’t keep papering over the cracks: everything you say makes me feel that is what you want. I want to live IN the cracks

October 13, 2017 § Leave a comment

I can’t keep papering over the cracks: everything you say makes me feel that is what you want. I want to live IN the cracks, like the black smokers at the bottom of the oceans. Everything is geared to turning me around, whereas I want someone to share with me that I cannot be turned around, people like me cannot be turned around, all they can do is keep writing on the edge of the abyss, like Philip O’Connor.
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All their huffing and puffing, I still sail blithely on!

October 12, 2017 § Leave a comment

All their huffing and puffing, I still sail blithely on!

I’m like a lighthouse, I let them dash themselves to pieces against me with ever rising fury

October 7, 2017 § Leave a comment

I’m like a lighthouse, I let them dash themselves to pieces against me, with ever rising fury they bash their brains out. Like a moth hitting the blazing bulb, they are too stupid to have any understanding of where they are going wrong; while I blaze on! Burning forever with my constant supply of inner fuel which they can find no way to cut off. I love it that I have wound people up that much: I will not take moral judgement from people who throw abuse at me in the street: with that they betray their moral inferiority to me.

Of course they want to kill you, they want you dead. They’d go to prison if they did it themselves

October 7, 2017 § Leave a comment

Of course they want to kill you, they want you dead. They’d go to prison if they did it themselves, so they want you to do it yourself, so they keep chipping away at you, at the base of you, so hopefully you will then topple under your own weight, so destabilised have you been at the bottom. Dream on people. You strengthen me and bolster me with every word you say.

They’re trying to catch hold of my coattails in a desperate attempt to pull me back to them

October 5, 2017 § Leave a comment

They’re trying to catch hold of my coattails, in a desperate attempt to pull me back to them; they’re trying to grab the crumbs of my table.

It spreads like gangrene, that’s what jealousy does. It spreads like a virus

October 5, 2017 § Leave a comment

It spreads like gangrene, that’s what jealousy does. It spreads like a virus, through any group of people who regularly mix and spend time together, until they are all infected by it. I injected them with it, I stuck my great big hypodermic needle right into the heart of them.

I wanted it to be an open discussion with nothing ruled in and nothing ruled out. Just to talk amidst the destruction and see what naturally emerged

October 3, 2017 § Leave a comment

I wanted it to be an open discussion, with nothing ruled in and nothing ruled out. Just to talk amidst the destruction and see what naturally emerged. Let the river take its natural course. But I felt she was dictating the course too much, she was trying to shunt this river down one particular siding, to mix metaphors, a siding which denied my rich imagination, my rich inner world. She was trying to influence the outcome too much, she was loading the dice, and that bothered me: I wanted to talk to someone and thereby come to a solution myself. It was too directed.