It is true though that I love those long train journeys across Europe. Just to spend some days alone with my thoughts and my pen and paper

January 22, 2017 § Leave a comment

It is true, though, that I love those long train journeys across Europe. Just to spend some days alone with my thoughts and my pen and paper. Perhaps I can enjoy one last Grand Tour of all my favourite places, before I retire from it. Oh but then a year later I will want one more Grand Tour just for old time’s sake, and it will never really end. I don’t know if I can really give up the solitary travelling. It does fulfill some need I have for solitariness. Like Helmut Kohl once a year would take himself off to a health spa. Last year I travelled to Europe four times and spent a total of 12 nights away from home, away from ——. 12 nights to myself out of 365 is not much is it? Perhaps I should allow myself just one Grand Tour a year, and in that tour go to all my places in one go. That is the glory of the Inter Rail Pass. If you are bored in one place, just jump on a train and leave sooner than you planned. If you stop off in another place not planning to stay, but find something amazing to detain you, just hang around longer than planned. That is why going on holiday by plane and just flying from A to B then back home to A again is so boring. Yes, let me allow myself one Grand Tour a year. Then I can just dip into northern Italy for a day or two, just dip into Switzerland and the Alps for a day or two. Get little tasters of those places I have always wanted to go to but will probably never have the time or money to ever really explore as much as I want. If I allow myself one Grand Tour a year, I will be free to go to as many beaches and clear blue seas as —— wants the rest of the year, to try to erase my guilt and shame at leaving her alone! See! I have already talked myself back into travelling alone!

For me the only travelling that is worth anything is travelling alone

January 4, 2017 § 1 Comment

For me the only travelling that is worth anything is travelling alone; which makes things difficult for those in a relationship. Only in the loneliness and the silence do your thoughts come out like bats at night. If you are with someone the noise of your constant chatter scares your thoughts away and they remain out of sight in the shadows, unknown. Like a firefly they live for such a short time, glimmer so brightly then expire, and are gone forever. You must be ready to harvest them at a second’s notice, without delay, lest a single one be lost. Because my thoughts seem so valuable! When I am gone I expect they will build libraries just filled with my writings; all my original notebooks and manuscripts will be pored over by philologists of the future.

It is just the natural evolution of me as a human being. I don’t know what I am going to become

November 7, 2016 § Leave a comment

It is just the natural evolution of me as a human being. I don’t know what I am going to become, nobody does. I feel like a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis. I am becoming more and more not the man my wife thought or hoped I could be, but I am becoming more and more naturally myself—and that may mean I have to be alone forever. “We are all of us growing volcanoes, nearing the moment of their eruption” said Nietzsche. Nothing else is so important than to follow what you are drawn to. To resist provokes depression, miserableness, and resentment. We have to travel towards “what we believe to be the most beautiful thing”, like Helen, choosing to sail with Paris to Troy, no matter the cataclysm and doom it would provoke. I love that kind of purity. I can only live in that purity. Every moment to be responsive to your drives, your urges, to beauty you encounter.

I need to feel the cold icy air of the mountains again

October 26, 2016 § Leave a comment

I need to feel the cold icy air of the mountains again. I have to be totally alone in order to feel truly alive. To be loved feels to be less than alive.

I can only be alone I think

September 2, 2016 § Leave a comment

I can only be alone, I think. I love her, and will love her till the day I die, but I can only be alone, and can only make her unhappy when I’m with her. J.G. Farrell water turning to hard ice, causing such sadness to the women who tried to love him. The price of the man is the head of the artist, as Munch thought. As Nial F says, you can’t mix work and marriage. You have to give up too much. Ah now Sex on Fire. I can only be free when I don’t have a home to go to. When we split up, every sight of her will become so thrilling, I will swoon, like before. I love her more than anything in the world, and yet I love my complete freedom–I don’t know how to put the two things together. This is the tragedy of me and —–. Use Somebody, oh all those amazing trips to Southend. Don’t I need to split up, so I can miss her again?

My problem with psychotherapy was I felt she was asking me to be someone who was not fully my true self

August 28, 2016 § Leave a comment

My problem with psychotherapy was I felt she was asking me to be someone who was not fully my true self, but to live in some corset; and sometimes I think this affair is the same. I feel a constant frustration that I cannot be fully myself every day, and that breeds a low level resentment which is quite damaging to romance, or lust. “After two decades obscured by scaffolding, the Leaning Tower of Pisa basks in its full quirky glory”. I wanted Sarah to help me bask in my quirky glory; instead she wanted to knock me down and build a new tower, just like everyone else’s. I don’t feel I can bask in my full quirky glory now either. Perhaps I can only ever be alone. To be happy I have to be unhappy?

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