I am so tired & jaded of London now. I must instead go & get drunk in Brussels & Berlin

December 11, 2017 § Leave a comment

I am so tired & jaded of London now. I must instead go & get drunk in Brussels & Berlin. Reacquaint myself with Karl Kraus, and F Nietzsche.
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The thought of travelling has already cheered me up again! Just to go drinking in a different place

December 11, 2017 § Leave a comment

The thought of travelling has already cheered me up again! Just to go drinking in a different place. But if I’m going to go, I have to go wild, and spend a lot of money, not necessarily in Brussels, but for sure in Berlin.

Now I’m thinking of course I must go to Berlin in January. Life is to be lived and money is to be spent

December 11, 2017 § Leave a comment

Now I’m thinking of course I must go to Berlin in January. Life is to be lived and money is to be spent. Then I come and think you would spend hundreds of pounds going to Berlin just for that, when you can do it at home? But, no, sensual pleasure is the point of life. If I had never travelled I would never have met pink top Munich blonde, Pon de Replay Heathrow woman, Nicky, Arrica, Katerina in Frankfurt, Iga, Riccarda, Diana, Yulia, Susi, Irina, Viktoriya, Patricia, Emily. I will go to Brussels just for a Thursday, Friday and Saturday night in December maybe. Just time for Museum of Modern Art, Wiertz, Gare du Nord, kabins, and Empire—but then I think how bored I will be just in Brussels? If I am going to go, it must be Berlin or Vienna. In which case I should wait for January. But no it will be nice to go drinking in Brussels for three days, and just see who you meet.

If you walk into a high street bar in Vienna and find scantily clad women lounging around you know you can take them into a back room and f–k them

December 10, 2017 § Leave a comment

If you walk into a high street bar in Vienna and find scantily clad women lounging around, you know you can take them into a back room and fuck them. If you walk into a Berlin bar & find scantily clad women lounging around, you know you can take them up into a bedroom and fuck them. That is why when people stumble into the Scotsman by mistake, especially Europeans, and find all these scantily clad women sitting around, they can be forgiven for thinking the girls are there for more than dancing. After many visits to Berlin, searching in vain, I finally found a good old fashioned London-style strip club. The girls outnumbered the men, true, as they always do in Europe—I have never ever solved the conundrum where do all the men go in Berlin? In Vienna? In Brussels? In London you can go into the Nag’s Head, Old Axe, Scotsman, White Horse, anywhere, and find it rammed with men ogling the handful of dancers, whereas in Europe you will almost always find yourself the only man there, outnumbered ten to one by the girls who always sit there looking at you, which surely is the wrong way around?—but even here when the girl stepped off stage & sat at the bar with me, she offered me a private dance for 50 Euros or sex for 80! There is nowhere in Berlin that does not offer you sex. Even what you think is just a strip club. It has not changed so much since Cabaret Kit Kat Club days. Obviously, I made my excuses and left, as they say.

Of course I cannot travel to Berlin in the New Year. Especially when the one I love is behind me in London

December 5, 2017 § Leave a comment

Of course I cannot travel to Berlin in the New Year. Especially when the one I love is behind me in London. Alone, alone, alone. Always alone. I have always been alone, and I always shall be. And yet travelling can mark the end of one period of your life, and when you come back you can find everything feels different, and you feel very liberated from them. Maybe after going to Berlin I will feel I can start again and turn over a new page, which I will not do just by staying the whole time in London, trapped in the same routine, silently morosely standing in the back corner of the ——–, longing for —– and never even going over to talk to her. This year has been ALL about —–. That would be a good title! ALL ABOUT —–.

Counting backwards I think March 2005 was my last really high time with Diana in snowy Berlin in that claustrophobic stuffy grandeur of the James Pryde bedroom

November 28, 2017 § Leave a comment

Counting backwards, I think March 2005 was my last really high time, with Diana in snowy Berlin, in that claustrophobic stuffy grandeur of the James Pryde bedroom. How vividly I remember coming out of BEC into the falling snow, my cock rolling in my trousers, to go back to Diana. At the time, I felt even that visit was not working. Before that in February was a similarly failed trip to Vienna (even though there was Maria and Harrieta), in January the failed trip to Munich (even though there was pink top blonde), before that the ruinous £2,000 Interrail trip to Munich and Berlin (even though I met Martina in Nuremberg, and Riccarda and Iga again), before that the cryingly sad reunion with Riccarda the White Angel of Death in Berlin (even though I discovered the Libertines), before that the devastating heartbreak of Viktoriya (after inital excitement of Patricia, Susi and Irina). Before that were the three great Rubicon crossing Berlin trips, where I met Iga, Riccarda and Yulia, the last trips that really worked, and before that were the three Munich trips. Since that last good moment with Diana in March 05, there was the horrible one night in Munich for Poppea and Viktoriya, the failed attempt to see Von Weth in Lulu in Berlin, then Antwerp/Brussels Clarisse, Frankfurt Katerina, Berlin Arrica and that last empty visit to Munich. By this time my debt had deadened everything. There is no point going to these places where the Esmeraldas and Tallulahs are waiting for you, unless you can splash the cash. You are wasting your time and their time otherwise. You are depressed before you step through the door.

How do I square the circle and get back to Munich again? Get back to Vienna again?

November 28, 2017 § Leave a comment

How do I square the circle and get back to Munich again? Get back to Vienna again? Seeing that Heidi Klum picture makes me think of it. Maybe that was my high moment in Munich, my City in the Autumn Stars moment, those three visits from October to January 2004—so long ago—and in Munich they will never come again. My high moment at the Scotsman was those nights when I used to see Sylvia all the time and at the Scotsman will probably never come again. Those high nights I spent at Carnival will never come again. You worry all your high moments are in the past. Certainly my last six or seven foreign trips have been dull, low-key, disillusioning affairs. It does seem, though, that all my high times come while travelling—apart from Sylvia. It is hard to escape that fact. That is why I live for travelling. And even during those last low, dull trips there were stand out moments, such as Clarisse in Brussels, Arrika in Berlin. Yesterday was Sleeping Beauty is a Junkie day from 1999. Even last time in Berlin, leaving out the one night I spent there to see Prokina in Onegin & then Katarina & The Wild Stallions at the BEC, there was Alla and Olga, and Arrika at Ciro, all on my last night. Being in love deadens all my high moments. All those months longing for —– this year, and all those months longing for Olga before that. High times can only come when you are not longing for anyone, are free, and refreshed, and priapic.

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