November 30, 2017 §
I lead a strange existence. I read and write for a couple of hours, then sleep for a couple of hours. Listen to some classical music for an hour, then read & write some more, then sleep some more.
November 14, 2017 §
Listening to all this Viennese music—Webern 5 Orchestral Pieces, Joseph Korngold lush late romanticism—makes me think of Vienna. Even though I wrote her name small, Maria is surely the most beautiful girl I have ever f—-d. Surely the sexiest. Now I look at all my pictures and think they are in a Vienna hotel room with Vienna just outside. Viennese Eroticism, there is nothing quite like it. Bad Timing. The Night Porter. There’s not many Brazilians in Europe, all Poles, Czechs, Romanians, Ukrainians. A couple of stand out Brazilians in Munich in Patricia and Bella Rosa, it is true. In London it is nearly ALL Brazilians! I should stay in the Radisson SAS in Vienna, if only for the first night.
November 11, 2017 §
I live for classical music, and dirtiness, and tropical ferns. I am wicked, and decadent.
November 7, 2017 §
I really don’t care about looking for jobs now. I will never find a better job than this. All I want now is to lose myself in classical music. Just accept this will take a long while to get over. You are heading for ruin. Concentrate on the positives. Concentrate on writing with blue hands in cold stoveless rooms like Nietzsche, heading to the cold icy air of the mountains, where the air is thinner & there are less people. I always want to get to where there are less people. I seem to have lost interest in art museums, in classical music concerts. I am just lost in an emptiness. All there is for me is drinking. This coming week I will devote to writing, staying up all night, into the early hours of the morning. Funny how sweet & lovely to me the new brown top barmaid was; she was gorgeous to me. Jane was lovely to me. Even though my life is getting better year on year, there is always a period each year when I go into real psychological darkness & desperate straits.