November 19, 2017 §
Still I wonder if I shouldn’t go to Munich & Vienna first. But the end of October has Violetta Urmana in Berlin & Elena Prokina in Boccanegra in Hamburg. Although January in Berlin has Anna Samuil in Staatsoper’s La Traviata! I always let girls ripen and then turn rotten and die. There’s a couple of new ones ripening right now. Oh man, I cannot wait to get back to Munich! Isn’t this amazing after the awful January visit? Every time I see the pictures on the Beate Uhse website I want to get back there—but this time only as a turn on before the consummation in Vienna. Atlantic City can suddenly come back to life because I am using it only as a warm up, it no longer is the be all and end all that everything depends on. That takes the pressure off it, I can go there & relax because I know the real climax is still to come. It is funny how I am thinking so much about Vienna and Munich now? The other night feeling filled with Vienna Westbahnhof and now thinking so much of Munich. Everything except Berlin in fact. Maybe Berlin is something I know I can sink back into at journey’s end, when I have got everything else out of the way. So it maybe will be Berlin in January, and Brussels, Munich and Vienna in October when the clocks go back. But I miss the Berlin Radisson SAS! I miss the Berlin Plaza! I miss the knesepfanne! But really it seems I still miss Atlantic City, Lamm’s, and the Dorint more? Let me get Munich and Vienna out of the way first. Two days in Brussels for Wiertz, Modern Art, Empire and Gare du Nord, just two nights in Munich for Atlantic City, Nuremberg Caribic, before pushing on to Vienna for Butterfly House, KHM, Belvedere, Manhattan and Pour Platin. Oh god I cannot wait to get back to Vienna! Fridays & Saturdays Atlantic City is open to 5! Now I feel the cold icy air of the mountains. I cannot wait to get back to Europe. In the meantime I will have some drinks at the Calcutta on Saturday night, drinking myself into oblivion just three pints at a time, to get these three months over with as cheaply as possible. For all these magic trips, how can I regret owing £6,000 on my cards? I regret the £4,000 I have spent in London on nothing but drink & strippers that is what I regret. If not for that I could be free to travel now.
November 7, 2017 §
I really don’t care about looking for jobs now. I will never find a better job than this. All I want now is to lose myself in classical music. Just accept this will take a long while to get over. You are heading for ruin. Concentrate on the positives. Concentrate on writing with blue hands in cold stoveless rooms like Nietzsche, heading to the cold icy air of the mountains, where the air is thinner & there are less people. I always want to get to where there are less people. I seem to have lost interest in art museums, in classical music concerts. I am just lost in an emptiness. All there is for me is drinking. This coming week I will devote to writing, staying up all night, into the early hours of the morning. Funny how sweet & lovely to me the new brown top barmaid was; she was gorgeous to me. Jane was lovely to me. Even though my life is getting better year on year, there is always a period each year when I go into real psychological darkness & desperate straits.
November 24, 2016 §
I have been waiting all these months to travel again, and now the day comes I feel no enthusiasm for it whatsoever. Gorgeous — brunette getting off the bus in front of me and then in front of me all the way to the Eurostar entrance; black leather jacket, blue jeans over gorgeous little sexy bum. I wonder where — is now? How I wish I had done something with pink top blonde on the plane to Munich. I wonder if I will ever have an encounter like that again. If I will ever have a great high night like Yulia, or Riccarda, or Emily again. I don’t think I am capable. Illicit thrills no longer seem to do anything for me. I have been there and done it, to death. Yet I cannot just stay in London for the rest of my life. I have to keep looking for the ice. The cold icy air of the mountains. How excited I am when I buy the tickets; how unexcited when the time comes to actually travel. We will see if this trip to Brussels sparks me to life at all. Think I should have gone straight to Berlin.
October 27, 2016 §
“To stand atop the Jungfrau and feast the eyes on a white world of snow and ice is an experience akin to high drama.” This was how my first visits to Munich, Vienna and Berlin felt, back in 1999 initially and then intensely in 2002-2005. I felt like a mountaineer in the ice and high mountains, though my peaks were erotic and sensual in nature. The Eurostar from Brussels and then straight on to the night train on the long 12 or 14 hour journeys to Munich Hauptbahnhof, Vienna Westbahnhof or Berlin Zoo, before the pace and frequency of my visits quickened and I relied on air travel. Those years were my Golden Age. In New Year 2006, however, I fell in love, and I lost four years in the pursuit of my beloved, followed by two years of marriage. From the sublime to the ridiculous! Tentatively, over the last year or so, I have begun to return to my travels. I cannot help it, I love the thrill of travelling alone, to feel the cold icy air of the mountains again. It is shocking to discover how much that ice has retreated and vanished it is true, but still there is a thrill to travelling alone, that extreme solitude, that I cannot give up. My wife thinks I have a mistress in Germany. I do not. Now I travel again to Munich, the town of Franz von Stuck. Seeing his Die Sünde, this black-haired temptress with the black boa constrictor around her neck, was one of the most shockingly visceral moments of my life. It is the Munich Mona Lisa. Sometimes when crossing Europe, I will divert to Munich just to see her again. Some of the greatest nights of my life have occurred in Munich, those ‘high nights that persuade us to put off suicide’, which is quite hard to believe sometimes, as the sensual landscape of Munich is quite tame and conservative compared to Berlin or Vienna where anything goes. The air on this plane smells like someone has shit themselves; in fact it smells like everyone has shit themselves at the same time. Quite overwhelming!
October 26, 2016 §
I need to feel the cold icy air of the mountains again. I have to be totally alone in order to feel truly alive. To be loved feels to be less than alive.