September 12, 2016 §
So the highlights of this holiday were the Turkish blonde newsreader on TRT [I did not go out in Brussels Monday night because I thought I would keep my powder dry for Cologne, but I needn’t have worried] and the incredible blonde ponytail girl in green cowl neck top over massive huge tits in Koln Hbf. I have never seen so many pretty girls in a station as I saw in the Hbf last night. I have not had one genuine unforced erection on this entire trip, remaining in a state of flaccidness the whole time. So what for my September trip—it has to be Frankfurt or Berlin, where one is guaranteed some bang for one’s buck. Nostalgia may take me first to Munich, for the same feeble girls I saw in Stardust last night? So far for so little point. What is the use of travelling at all. To live in suspension, that is all. In an unreal bubble. I saw there were some videokabins in Dr Muellers in Hohenzollern but Hohenzollernring is the busy beating heart of Cologne nightlife, so nothing at all private about it. On the way back to the hotel I saw another place in Friesenwall, Café Manouche, with a quite sexy looking girl sitting at the bar, but I was so depressed and pissed off by now, I did not go in. Cologne is no town for dirty old men. And finally my little pen has run out.
September 11, 2016 §
Well that was the most pointless trip of my life. If you are feeling randy do not come to Cologne. I knew they had moved the Esmeraldas to a purpose built brothel on the edge of town—in the aptly named Hornstraße—but that kind of thing does not interest me, fuck factories. So stubbornly I thought I could find some sinful paradise in Koln city centre still, and was therefore extremely disappointed. Chez Moi in Palmstraβe, brothel/hostess bar? with 4 “girls”, all in their 50s or 60s. Stardust stripclub with long runway style stage, 9 young girls, 8 rubbish, one big blonde quite nice but not enough to stay for, and small beers 6.50 each. And that was it. I found many of the other alleged strip clubs and they were all dark and closed down. What is the world coming to, literally. I know what —– would say, “They’re at home, fucking their girlfriends, dickhead!”. I can’t help thinking is this what I gave up —– for? All the way to Cologne for sweet FA. But yes—this freedom is what I gave up —— for.
September 10, 2016 §
I have taken the biggest decision of my life; to manufacture this rupture with —–. I love her, more than anything else in the world, but I have to be allowed to love her in my own way, as a free spirit. She cannot accept this and so will find someone and somewhere else as soon as possible, then will never see me again. And in the last few days as we have distanced from each other, my love and affection have started flooding back. This is what I wanted. I wanted to miss her, and feel jealous to think of her with someone else; I am a masochist maybe. Like a kid biting down on a loose tooth to taste the blood. I manufactured this split to bite down on it and taste the blood. Funny, after all these years, I still have no desire to go to Paris, or to Rome. Always I just want to go back to Berlin, Munich, Vienna, Brussels; at least now I am branching out for my first night in Cologne. I can only live as a lone wanderer, and —– wants a husband and a family, and someone who is going to come straight home to her every night. I am not going to stand in her way anymore; and she will not stand in mine. I am glad we have had this 20 months to give our love to each other, and total devotion.