October 21, 2016 §
But the world of Tallulah and Esmeralda has provided all the richness to my sad, lonely young man’s life, and I am eternally grateful to it, and I will always love all the strippers and whores who gave me so many high nights of most exquisite pleasure—from the high-stepping Welsh brunette with red boa at Sunset Strip who always, always, always danced to La Vie En Rose, to Swedish Pamela in Soho, Berliner Riccarda in Berlin, Martina in Nuremberg, all of them, I revere and worship them all. For me the word whore is far from being a pejorative—exactly the opposite. They have kept me alive, and enriched my life. It is just sad that all the beautiful ones have now gone, as the ice disappears.
August 5, 2016 §
I could have had sexual adventure in Brussels, Berlin or Vienna, but I did nothing. There was nothing I wanted. If I’d met a —-, an —— or a —– it might have been different. I still think there must be an Esmeralda out there with my name on her but I may never find her. The great days of Yulia, Riccarda, Iga, Diana, Emily, Martina, Maria seem long gone. That whole world does not excite me like it used to, it does not excite me at all. I still keep going because I don’t know what else to do. Being at Gatwick waiting for my flight to Vienna at least WAS a little bit exciting and erotic, so that was a good sign. Contrast that with my total misery on the Eurostar to Brussels in September. I think going for one night only is better, then I can always tell myself I can be home tomorrow. What on earth would I have done for a second night in Vienna? I went to all the places I really wanted to go. I woke up the next morning feeling completely miserable. A couple of hours back down in the Dorint bar cheered me up a bit before the bus back to the airport.
July 11, 2016 §
After the Vienna Monday night, a month or so later, I can go for a Munich Monday night in May (early flight giving me chance for Monday afternoon Lamm’s) back in the Intercity Jugendstil, then a Berlin Monday night in July (early flight giving me chance for a Monday afternoon Knesepfanne) back in the gorgeous Berlin Plaza. And I will find a magnificent Esmeralda in Moloch. Brussels I can rest for a while. I must really lose my shackles this year. We can live together as loving brother & sister like Les Enfants Terribles (Parents Terribles).
June 9, 2016 §
It’s like the retreat from Empire. How does a nation feel when it’s had to give up its Empire. It is hard to readjust. From being so powerful and omnipotent, able to do whatever you wanted and nobody could say anything, to having to now fit in with everybody else. It is like Britain giving up Hong Kong. It is hard to accept it is over. So I keep going to T&E, a little bit, becoming increasingly angry and unhappy at myself for doing so. How to make this retreat bearable and even exciting: document it.