January 22, 2017 §
I no longer care if my infection gets cured or not; I just want to be left alone with my classical music, my ferns, and my lamps.
January 19, 2017 §
It is my frustrated desire to return to Europe, to go out at all, that is causing all these floods in Germany, Austria and the Czech Republic. Passau has almost completely disappeared. I am becoming heavy, and sodden, with this desire to travel again. The more I am not able to travel, because of debts, tenderness, and infection, the more the temptation grows. Now all I want to do is go on holiday with —–.
January 17, 2017 §
I think my sub-conscious knew I was edging towards returning to a Grand Tour of Europe I can certainly in no way afford, and deep down do not want to go on, as I do not want to leave —– anymore, but still I was getting closer to doing it, so my sub-conscious knew it has to throw a huge spanner in the works, and make sure I did not make that terrible mistake again. The virus is my also nagging desire to go back to Europe, and as long as that is in my system, and as long as the consequent repulsion at the thought of going back to Europe is also in my system, so the infection will persist and not lose an iota of its virulence. The infection is manifest visual representation of the battle that is waging inside me, Jakob with the Angel, Gandalf with the Balrog, over whether I go back to Europe or not. The infection is me telling myself: No! Do not do something you really do not want to do! Resist your old temptation! You must fight against slipping back into that old addiction, travelling, travelling, travelling, all with money you do not have! Do not slip back into the plus £20,000 debts again! There will not be another financial miracle sent your way to get you out of it next time! That was your second chance and don’t blow it!
January 16, 2017 §
There is no cream or oil or pills that will cure me of this bothersome infection; it will only be cured in my mind. Therefore I resolve to just forget about it, accept it will always be there and then one day find it has gone. It has affected and curtailed my behaviour for a long time, so god knows what financial straits I would be in if I had not had this infection; even more catastrophically bad than they are now for sure. It may be it will continue to curtail my behaviour for a very long time to come, and a very good thing, too! The plans to travel back to Europe again get pushed back month after month, and I now shelve them indefinitely. The thought of leaving —– behind I also find increasingly difficult to confront.
January 15, 2017 §
The question then is why has my sub-conscious cursed me with this affliction? Did it feel I needed to be punished? Reined in? My finances are absolutely on a knife’s edge again; absolutely on the precipice teetering over the abyss of destruction. How? I was over £22,000 in debt but the financial miracle of last October was supposed to completely ease that pressure. However, very soon the tide of financial pressure came back in again and threatened to subsume me once more. Then I thought once I get to April and the final end of my £218 monthly loan repayments, the light at the end of the tunnel or so I thought, then I thought I could at last be out of the tunnel and back in fresh air again. Yet the loan has finished and I still find myself on the precipice just as much as when I was still paying it; just as much as I was before the financial miracle of October. Nothing it seems can pull me away from this precipice of financial destruction. I am like Maximilian Schell in The Black Hole, just about resisting the gravitational pull of the black hole, but unable to ever pull myself away from it. I thought after the financial miracle of October I could break free, but it held me in place; I thought after the April end of my loan repayments I would be free, but it held me in place. So now I think my sub-conscious created this infection to force me to stay in the house, and keep me away from any temptations, to be naughty in London or to travel again, because it knew how close to financial destruction I once again am. I think only if my finances improve will this infection go; and so there is little prospect of that. There are no more lights at the end of the tunnel. Both of them have come and gone and proved to be not the end of the tunnel after all.
January 14, 2017 §
I have given up now hoping that I can cure this infection in a week, or two weeks. One day the infection may start to wither away and disappear but I am no longer counting the days, or watching the calendar waiting for it. Don’t look back in anger, as they say. I cannot remember a time when I did not have it. I do think it is my sub-conscious that created this infection. I always think I affect the weather. Whenever I am going through periods of intense depression, there is thunder & lightning every day, rainstorms that last for weeks, and I am sure I am the one causing them. Hitler thought he could affect the weather, too. Nietzsche was incredibly sensitive to the atmospheric conditions, like a quivering weather vane. You carry the weather with you is one of my absolute most beloved maxims. Similarly I have no doubt that all the illnesses of my life are wholly psychosomatic. I believe my body is too strong to ever be brought down by anything as small as a bug or a virus, unless it is given a lift by my sub-conscious desire to be ill; some strange sub-conscious need for a period of illness, and withdrawal, and disease.