January 4, 2017 §
While I am reeling off the list of my former ‘glories’ it might seem I am not happy with my life now and wish to go back to how I was then; in fact, I spent all those years in absolute despair. Now I have found happiness and love in my life I can no longer experience these ‘glories’, and that leads me to think that the glories are impossible without despair. There can be no glory without despair. Despair is the vital prerequisite for glory. You cannot experience the ‘high nights that persuade us to put off suicide’ unless you are indeed on the precipice of suicide. When you are happy you are on much more of an even keel; there are no highs and lows. The highs would not have been possible without the lows; perhaps. This is why I always say there is so much to be said for despair, there is such richness in it, and people who are in despair just need to be made aware of what a rich and nourishing state it can be, and to just hold on and come through the other side so they can enjoy those riches that it forms.
January 2, 2017 §
As you can see, I am obsessed with those nights I spent in Vienna, Berlin and Munich. It is like I am still living in them. I go back to experience them again but am disappointed. Those places have gone and I have changed too. The ice has retreated across Europe but the ice has retreated inside my heart, inside my soul, as well. Love is in my life now, and that has melted my great glaciers, my icy peaks, my icecaps. Now my rivers are starting to flow and surge, my empty valley beds are filling again, and my land is becoming green and lush, like Madeira. Yet still I keep thinking about those nights in Vienna, Berlin and Munich. I go back out of nostalgia, to see if there is anything at all of the old erotic breathless excitement I can squeeze out of them like a sponge. A few cold drops is all.
October 26, 2016 §
Not only will the end of my marriage perhaps bring the Ice Age back, but it may bring our love back to how it used to be. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. I cannot understand love without obsession. I can only love from a distance. I can only love what I cannot have or have lost. That is why I have always been drawn to Tallulahs and Esmeraldas like the moth to the flame, because I knew there was nothing real in it. There was longing, and painful desire, which could not be requited or consummated, and whenever it was, then I had to make my excuses and leave. I could not follow them into that place. I flirted with wanting a real relationship with them, but then when they gave in and offered it to me, I ran away scared. I flirted with rescue when I had no desire to be saved. Like Peter Pan, I climb back out of the Darling family’s window, and return to my Never Never Land, looking for more Young Mothers, but there can only ever be one Wendy.
September 1, 2016 §
I never thought I would have a connection with the real world around me, until —– came along. She brought me into reality. I still don’t know if I can cope with it. I will make her pay a higher price for keeping me in this world, and see if it is still a price she thinks worth paying. I love her, little —–, and will love her till the day I die, but I wonder if I can ever thrive and bloom and blossom in this world. How quickly I forget how totally eviscerated I was by pain and despair and loneliness in the long years before she came along. How rude, and foolish, to now question her rescue of me. I miss —–. I think I took a wrong turn when I turned to —- instead of her; and by the time she came back I had left —- and was with —– (all in one day, an incredible Twelfth Night). But I could not love her as deeply and totally as I love —–. I should perhaps start going to —-, —– and — more often. New environments.
August 30, 2016 §
I wonder have I ever had a great experience sober? All the great experiences of my life, all the high nights that persuade us to put off suicide, came when I was drunk, I am sure of it. I am not capable of highs, of pleasure, when I am not drunk. When one starts drinking, anything becomes possible. The door to all sorts of pleasures opens. Rubicons can be crossed. Ishtar Gates passed through. Riccarda, Iga, Diana, Yulia, Emily, Martina, would never have happened if I was not drunk. Drink is the precondition for anything happening. “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.” Those amazing, amazing nights I had in Munich, Berlin, Brussels, Vienna were all fuelled by drink. Then why was I so unhappy? I had the freedom but craved something real. I was eviscerated by loneliness and emptiness. I was ripe for falling in love with the woman of my life, and then there was —–. “I don’t have a boyfriend in London !” Now I want to go back and enjoy all those places I used to enjoy. So I go back but—I find all those places are dark and closed down, no longer in business, and those that are still open, are filled with hideous crones, the same crones that excited me so much just 5, 6 years ago. Is loneliness, despair, essential to being able to enjoy the lush life?
July 15, 2016 §
Since I booked the Vienna flight and hotel, my love for redheaded —– has burst out of me like a fountain. She has never looked so beautiful and I have never loved her so strongly. I miss her already. My love has bloomed and blossomed like the cherry blossom all over London in the last two days. This is why I should travel. How much I enjoy eating and drinking; how much I do NOT enjoy pornography and prostitution. When am I going to accept this; the pleasures lie in drinking and getting starving hungry then eating.
July 9, 2016 §
I have to keep going to Europe, the way Kenneth Williams had to keep going back to Tangiers. I realise now it is exactly the same thing. Most of his visits were disappointing, but a few weeks later he was desperate to go back again. You have to keep the pendulum swinging. Thinking about going to Vienna has brought me back to life. —— said the shackles are off—you are free to go where you want. The love, tenderness and affection is there, but I need more road space. But surely one night in Vienna is NOT going to be enough is it? Lovely to wake up the next morning in my Dorint hotel bed, looking forward to a day in St Stephen’s and the Belvedere and the KHM, and a second night exploring, before flying home the next morning.