November 11, 2017 §
It is like if you have been hurt in love so you resolve not to get involved anymore & not get hurt again, so you live like a dead person. But then inevitably you are going to meet someone, who brings you back to life. But that is not necessarily a good thing! For to be brought back to life is the most painful thing that can ever happen to you. So that is what Hardenberg’s White & Red means to me.
November 11, 2017 §
If —– cannot give me love, well then, she can still give me misery. I can harvest as much from the sublime misery she has thrown me into as I did from the sublime love she awoke in me before.
November 7, 2017 §
SMALL MONOGRAPHS ON PEOPLE WHO CANNOT LOVE—EACH AROUND 46 PAGES: AUTISMUS, LOTTA & SOPHIA, THE COLD ICY AIR OF THE MOUNTAINS, AND CASANOVA (LOST WANDERINGS). PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE—TO NOT BE ABLE TO LOVE; TO NEVER HAVE BEEN IN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. ALREADY —– IS AS CLOSE AS I HAVE EVER BEEN.
November 7, 2017 §
The more I love someone the more scared I get. The more scared I get the worse I behave to them. The worse I behave to them the more I love them. When I realised I had fallen in love with —–, I felt I was losing control. All the time I was lusting after her, and being turned on by her, I was in control. When I started talking to her, and falling in love with her, the rug was pulled from beneath my feet. Can’t you understand, Alicia, I was just so scared? “A fat-headed guy, full of pain.” “You love me. How long?” “All the time. Since the beginning.” Do I have to push every relationship to destruction? The people I must have hurt; and yet I hurt myself more, because they can find love with someone else, easy enough, whereas I cannot.
January 4, 2017 §
While I am reeling off the list of my former ‘glories’ it might seem I am not happy with my life now and wish to go back to how I was then; in fact, I spent all those years in absolute despair. Now I have found happiness and love in my life I can no longer experience these ‘glories’, and that leads me to think that the glories are impossible without despair. There can be no glory without despair. Despair is the vital prerequisite for glory. You cannot experience the ‘high nights that persuade us to put off suicide’ unless you are indeed on the precipice of suicide. When you are happy you are on much more of an even keel; there are no highs and lows. The highs would not have been possible without the lows; perhaps. This is why I always say there is so much to be said for despair, there is such richness in it, and people who are in despair just need to be made aware of what a rich and nourishing state it can be, and to just hold on and come through the other side so they can enjoy those riches that it forms.
January 2, 2017 §
As you can see, I am obsessed with those nights I spent in Vienna, Berlin and Munich. It is like I am still living in them. I go back to experience them again but am disappointed. Those places have gone and I have changed too. The ice has retreated across Europe but the ice has retreated inside my heart, inside my soul, as well. Love is in my life now, and that has melted my great glaciers, my icy peaks, my icecaps. Now my rivers are starting to flow and surge, my empty valley beds are filling again, and my land is becoming green and lush, like Madeira. Yet still I keep thinking about those nights in Vienna, Berlin and Munich. I go back out of nostalgia, to see if there is anything at all of the old erotic breathless excitement I can squeeze out of them like a sponge. A few cold drops is all.
October 26, 2016 §
Not only will the end of my marriage perhaps bring the Ice Age back, but it may bring our love back to how it used to be. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. I cannot understand love without obsession. I can only love from a distance. I can only love what I cannot have or have lost. That is why I have always been drawn to Tallulahs and Esmeraldas like the moth to the flame, because I knew there was nothing real in it. There was longing, and painful desire, which could not be requited or consummated, and whenever it was, then I had to make my excuses and leave. I could not follow them into that place. I flirted with wanting a real relationship with them, but then when they gave in and offered it to me, I ran away scared. I flirted with rescue when I had no desire to be saved. Like Peter Pan, I climb back out of the Darling family’s window, and return to my Never Never Land, looking for more Young Mothers, but there can only ever be one Wendy.