To turn my back on the ice and high mountains

January 21, 2017 § Leave a comment

To turn my back on the ice and high mountains, on the glaciers and the Jungfraujoch, and turn instead to white beaches, clear blue seas, steaming palmhouses. To leave behind the bar of the Berlin Plaza, the Rechthaler Hof restaurant in Munich, the Café du Dôme and Brussels Grill in Brussels? Already the doubts set in! But I love —– too much and hate leaving her behind too much. Of course I can still enjoy some small pleasures in the hothouse, sultry atmosphere of London in summer when —– is busy.

I feel a turning point has been reached this very night, this very moment. I feel an overwhelming desire to go on holiday with —–

January 19, 2017 § Leave a comment

I feel a turning point has been reached this very night, this very moment. I feel an overwhelming desire to go on holiday with —–, lots of holidays. Madeira was my happiest memory in life. This is the state of grace I want to live in. Now I want to fill my time with Alban Berg, Anton Webern, Arnold Schoenberg, with ferns, ferns, ferns all around me, French Windows open to the hot summer blue skies and butterflies and bumblebees chasing each other in and out, until I can get back to white beaches and clear blue seas with —–. “Heady nights of mostly late romantic music”, sultry days in London pubs sheltering from the thunder & lightning, and the torrential summer downpours, as day turns into night in the lashing winds, and buses and Charing Cross Road bookshops glow bright yellow in the Stygian gloom as the afternoon storm rages. Writing my book, and loving —–. Spending Winters heading somewhere hot. Watching her in the underground jacuzzi as Cocteau watches Francine and Doudou painting. “Last night, lying in the studio, I was watching Francine and Doudou painting, and I reflected: ‘How cowardly of you to dare to complain! Here are the two human beings you love most. Nothing happens to be in their minds besides their work and their hope of pleasing you. Francine enjoys herself so seriously, so carefully. Doudou performs wonders without attaching any more importance to them than Francine to what she does.’ Sometimes I get up and go over to my desk, to correct mistakes that occur to me. Sailboats pass out at sea. These are priceless moments. A calm which many scorn because they do not possess it. A piece of good fortune I shall doubtless have to pay for. Consider my crises as a tax on that fortune.”

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It is my frustrated desire to return to Europe, to go out at all, that is causing all these floods in Germany, Austria and the Czech Republic

January 19, 2017 § Leave a comment

It is my frustrated desire to return to Europe, to go out at all, that is causing all these floods in Germany, Austria and the Czech Republic. Passau has almost completely disappeared. I am becoming heavy, and sodden, with this desire to travel again. The more I am not able to travel, because of debts, tenderness, and infection, the more the temptation grows. Now all I want to do is go on holiday with —–.

Which way is this battle going to go?

January 17, 2017 § Leave a comment

Which way is this battle going to go?

You can settle down to married life and settle down to not travelling anymore in ice and high mountains

January 7, 2017 § Leave a comment

You can settle down to married life, and settle down to not travelling anymore, in ice and high mountains, and settle down to not going to strip clubs, and prostitutes, and adult cinemas anymore; but then you might be tempted to feel you have settled down to slippers and a blanket over your knees, you have settled down to your coffin. Some people are not cut out for married life, as curative as it is for your soul and your spirit. Oh but how totally bored and miserable I was for four days in Vienna—Vienna! capital of Viennese Eroticism! city of Schoenberg, Berg, Webern, Karl Kraus! Not one single full erection in the entire duration of my stay no matter how hard I tried. How totally bored and miserable I was on the two day trip to Brussels and Cologne the year before! Again not one single full erection during the entire duration. You carry the weather with you. I am sad to have left her behind. From the moment my door closes behind me I am sad to be leaving her behind.
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I no longer have enemies; I now have a wife

January 6, 2017 § Leave a comment

I no longer have enemies; I now have a wife.

The greatest thing in my life is -—

January 1, 2017 § Leave a comment

The greatest thing in my life is -—. The greatest treasure. The greatest riches. The great miracle. I want her always in the centre of my life, though I would understand if she wanted something better.

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