November 28, 2017 §
How do I square the circle and get back to Munich again? Get back to Vienna again? Seeing that Heidi Klum picture makes me think of it. Maybe that was my high moment in Munich, my City in the Autumn Stars moment, those three visits from October to January 2004—so long ago—and in Munich they will never come again. My high moment at the Scotsman was those nights when I used to see Sylvia all the time and at the Scotsman will probably never come again. Those high nights I spent at Carnival will never come again. You worry all your high moments are in the past. Certainly my last six or seven foreign trips have been dull, low-key, disillusioning affairs. It does seem, though, that all my high times come while travelling—apart from Sylvia. It is hard to escape that fact. That is why I live for travelling. And even during those last low, dull trips there were stand out moments, such as Clarisse in Brussels, Arrika in Berlin. Yesterday was Sleeping Beauty is a Junkie day from 1999. Even last time in Berlin, leaving out the one night I spent there to see Prokina in Onegin & then Katarina & The Wild Stallions at the BEC, there was Alla and Olga, and Arrika at Ciro, all on my last night. Being in love deadens all my high moments. All those months longing for —– this year, and all those months longing for Olga before that. High times can only come when you are not longing for anyone, are free, and refreshed, and priapic.
November 26, 2017 §
I love going back to places that are full of memories, although this sometimes can be a mistake. Sometimes there are so many memories in a place it becomes impossible for anything new to happen. I move around like an automaton just doing all the things I did before when I was there, getting scarcely any joy out of it, just compulsively ticking off the places I have to go to in order to honour the memories of before. Sometimes when I try to enter a place like Munich Hauptbahnhof, say, or Vienna Westbahnhof, it is like the place is so full of memories it is as if a huge airbag has been set off inside it, blocking all the entrances, and I find it almost physically impossible to step through the doorways. I plan my trips with such enthusiasm, but I arrive at my hotels already with a sinking feeling, of “here we go again”. It is a compulsion with me.
November 23, 2017 §
The pleasure of travelling around Europe by train is so great, even if I’m lonely, because when I am lonely I write the most. It is Nietzsche in cold stoveless rooms writing with blue hands, while weeping, writing in blood. That is what I like best. So what I owe £6,000. You cannot take it with you. I might as well live intensely for the next few years while the rausch is on me. I am inclined to go to Berlin in January for La Traviata and Carmina Burana. That will mean I should go to Munich and Vienna at the end of October, to pull into Munich Hauptbahnhof in the dark at 7 o’clock at night and walk into the Intercity, for a couple of beers from the minibar, shower, couple of beers down in the bar, before rounding the corner into Atlantic City. The next day I can enjoy the gorgeous Lamm’s and that night maybe go to Nuremberg coming back for 6:30 breakfast. So Thursday get Eurostar to Brussels Radisson SAS, few drinks in bar, up to Empire and Gare du Nord. Next lunchtime to Munich. Saturday night in Nuremberg and Sunday lazing in Munich? or train to Vienna? Monday night arrive in Vienna for some drinks from minibar then Dorint bar, then Seilerstätte. Next night Pour Platin and ML Revue. Yes, Munich and Vienna in end of October, save Berlin for January. That will give me all of November and December, another 8 weeks, to save for Berlin. Munich more than anywhere is really the City in the Autumn Stars. It even has a Rosenstraße! Maybe I could buy some new boots. I am really going to enjoy myself this autumn in Munich and Vienna. Still, before I go, I would like to return at least once to Sunset Cinema and then to see Demi and Pamela. This time I will take some pictures in Munich at night. I am going to really absorb myself in Munich and draw out of it as much as I can this time.
November 23, 2017 §
Why do I wake up at 2AM feeling so unhappy? I feel like I want to cry. I had such an unhappy dream. I was trapped on a long-distance train going across Europe and I knew no longer wanted to be on it, but I was trapped. I had no choice. In reflection in the window I saw an old man with black holes where eyes should be. It is almost a premonition of myself in 20 or 30 years’ time. I felt like I was trapped on this train, and trapped in this travelling, without aim and without enjoyment. Maybe it is just the after effects of the drink. Drink causes depression and low moods. Such a reversal of how I felt on the train home last night. Instead of having my epiphany in the Calcutta, I had it on the train home. As the train neared home in the darkness from station to station closer to ——, I imagined I was on my train in Europe, getting nearer and nearer to pulling in at my final destination of Munich, or Vienna, or Berlin, and I felt again that intense excitement of about to arrive. How exciting it is to arrive at a place by train, not by plane. It made me really want to be on that train to Munich, or Vienna, or Berlin. The great thing about arriving by train is I know my hotel is right next to the station in Munich, and in Vienna, and very close even in Berlin, and in Brussels. To arrive in Munich at night is so exciting, when everywhere is so dark, and all lit up, and the night is about to begin. Very soon I can be heading over the road to Atlantic City and the night can really begin. Now, however, this morning I feel like I do not want to travel to those places and do those tawdry things again. I am sick of those places, and throwing all my money away. As always in the mornings I am most conservative and frightened, and at night I am most wild and hedonistic.
November 23, 2017 §
Honestly, in Brussels there is nothing to do except go to Gare du Nord and Empire. [How little I knew]. I do not want to go back to Modern Art and Wiertz again already. There is not anywhere I even like to eat. Whereas in Berlin I have got the Café Knese, Mon Cheri, Golden Gate, Monte Carlo, Ciro, Alla & Olga, BEC, Sarah Young, and the Alte National Gallery I really feel ready to see again. In Munich I do not want to go back to New Pin already so soon, which leaves just Lamm’s and Atlantic City. In Vienna, however, I have got KHM, Belvedere, Butterfly House, Pour Platin, Manhattan, ML Revue. Viennese eroticism. Different from Munich eroticism. Different from Brussels eroticism. In Brussels it is nice to sit in the Pullman bar and watch the world go by, or sit on the balcony of O’Reilly’s watching the world go by, or sitting in the window of the Café Belge watching the trams & buses pulling in & out of the Gare du Midi, or maybe sitting in the bar of the Radisson SAS. Before sleeping and starting again at night prior to Empire & Gare du Nord. In Munich the great joy is Lamm’s, prior to Atlantic City. There is no bar I can really sit in to watch the world pass? The Regent was all right, if the bar is ever open! The Intercity bar is horrible. There is only really Lamm’s where I like to sit & drink while reading the paper. In Vienna I love the white shirted Dorint girls, but apart from that? The revealing fact is that I could happily go and stay in Vienna for five days, with one night in the Radisson to explore the Seilerstätte stripclubs before going back to Dorint for four nights of Zipfers and rostbratens and Gurtel exploring. In the day I have got the Butterfly House to enjoy, KHM and the Belvedere. I could happily go and stay in Berlin for five days, for the Berlin Plaza and the Berliner Pils and knesepfannes, for Thobens, for Alte National Gallery, Mon Cheri, Golden Gate, Monte Carlo, Ciro, BEC, Sarah Young. I would be troubled if I stayed in Brussels for four days, because all I have got is Gare du Nord and Empire on one night, then what else? Just sitting watching the world going by in the Pullman or O’Reilly’s or Café Belge or Radisson SAS. I would be troubled to stay in Munich for four days because all I have got is Lamm’s in the day and Atlantic City one night. And the train ride to Nuremberg for one night to see the Pils Bar and Caribic. But I would definitely want to stop off in Munich for one night so as not to miss Atlantic City, and I would definitely want to stop off in Brussels for one night so as not to miss Empire and Gare du Nord. But you never know! My staying in Brussels for four nights, in the bar of the Radisson or Ibis every night, there is always the chance to meet someone.
November 19, 2017 §
A real epiphany last night, and again on Wednesday, when everything reminded me of Wien Westbahnhof. We grow beautiful out of our longing. The greatest highs of my life have been those midnight trams in Vienna around the Gurtel to get to ML Revue, or those walks from the Intercity to Atlantic City, or those walks from the Berlin Plaza to the Berlin Erotic Centre or Sarah Young, or that midnight tram from the Gare du Midi up to the Gare du Nord and trying again to find the right exit. Lust suddenly suffuses my whole body. I become so nervous and so excited. In Europe you have dirty experiences. The ONLY time I get close to that in London is when I go to Sunset Cinema, and some man comes in with a girl, and that is so exciting, and then when I am ready, I leave there with my swollen cock rolling in my trousers from side to side like a ship in a storm, just around the corner to Demi or to Pamela. That always feels so dirty. Once September comes I will allow myself this again. As the nights get dark so early. Save my money for October, once the clocks go back! That is why I call November 1st Volcanic Night! I do not think I find Simon Boccanegra interesting enough as an opera to go all the way to Hamburg to see Prokina in it. I’d rather spend all that money the train would cost on sex in Berlin. I would like to see Urmana in the Mort de Cleopatra though. What to do, Munich & Vienna first, or Brussels & Berlin? NOTHING THAT HAPPENS AT WORK CAN POSSIBLY AFFECT ME. I LIVE FOR WRITING AND FOR TRAVELLING. I AM LIKE A GHOST AT WORK. THUNDER! A dirty, black, thundery, raining evening.