Crane was a profoundly tormented man. Well so am I. That is all right. It is OK to be profoundly tormented. “I am utterly disgraced I’m afraid”

January 19, 2018 § Leave a comment

Crane was a profoundly tormented man. Well, so am I. That is all right. It is OK to be profoundly tormented. “I am utterly disgraced I’m afraid”. I behave crazy. A predictably horrible morning. Makes me feel straightaway like I need a drink. The utter impossibility of relationships for one such as me becomes ever clearer. If I had left the Barbican with red scallop neck girl, that look of horror & shock would have come over her face before we had even reached the tube station. Lotta thought she liked me but soon changed her mind & became horrified. Covadonga thought she liked me but soon became horrified. If I had got together with pink top blonde on plane to Munich she would soon have become horrified & wanting to get away. Oh but I am different! That is all right. I am unique. I am Kaspar Hauser. I am Ernest Dowson. I am Vincent Van Gogh. Let me sleep early then get to the Tottenham, the Melon Tree, the Calcutta. I am the one no one can understand. I am happy being the way I am, smilingly tottering on my way. I am Svejk. I am a revolutionary by the way I live. The pain of my life is pretty extreme at this moment. I have nothing in my life but sitting drinking alone in pubs, watching the people around me talking & laughing & socialising. I am a kakapo night parrot. The only creature in the animal kingdom whose mating cry is actively repellent to the female of the species. I feel completely sexless now. Completely non-sexual, asexual. It is like my blood has run cold. I am calcified.  I am VERY strange and eccentric. I am like a Victorian. The sadness of my life now is so deep. I MUST write my blood red Fackels. My Nietzsche books.
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