November 13, 2016 §
The Jungle Drums of Fu Manchu. Calling me to Berlin, and Brussels, and Vienna, and Munich. It was pouring with rain all night again, beating down on the Dalston canopy. This is like monsoon season! I have never known anything like it. Pornography and prostitution, the sleazy illicit thrills, are the only way to cope with despair. In fact, they are only enjoyable and at their most deeply pleasurable when in despair. Despair is such a vital part of pleasure. It is like the match that lights the flame.
July 16, 2016 §
I keep saying I like P&P but it is the idea of P&P that turns me on, the reality does not. It feels like Oscar’s “cold mutton”. I have just looked, windowshopped, without partaking, but still the reality leaves me totally cold. Perhaps this is the process, the reality leaves me cold first, then even the thought will, then I will be recovered. Word of a Marilyn does intrigue me and I will have to at least go to have a look at her before giving up on Soho again but it is without enthusiasm or desire. Before I would sleep with anything. Now I am so so fussy, nothing I see would entice me however drunk I was. I’m just not desperate for it anymore, and I rather think you have to be. I behaved like a jerk with —– again on Saturday night but thankfully she already forgave me on Sunday morning. I have to drink on Saturday. It is one day I like to let all the bats out of the Belfry. Cherry blossom everywhere.
July 15, 2016 §
Since I booked the Vienna flight and hotel, my love for redheaded —– has burst out of me like a fountain. She has never looked so beautiful and I have never loved her so strongly. I miss her already. My love has bloomed and blossomed like the cherry blossom all over London in the last two days. This is why I should travel. How much I enjoy eating and drinking; how much I do NOT enjoy pornography and prostitution. When am I going to accept this; the pleasures lie in drinking and getting starving hungry then eating.
June 12, 2016 §
Yet I had decades of purity and I was in despair and pain all the time because I yearned for love. I fell in love with one unobtainable woman after another and died of a broken heart a million times, until I fell in love with one unobtainable woman and she fell in love with me back. The despair and pain are a thing of the past, I cannot even remember what they feel like, and I yearn for the purity of the cold air and the icy mountains. So let us mix the two. It is good to be separated from the one you love. I was unhappy as soon as I set off for Brussels and Berlin, but I was yearning for my love, and I could not wait to see her again. This was a good feeling, I need to travel more and feel this more. Rather than being with her all the time and yearning for freedom. I always want the opposite of what I have got. From one pole to the other, this is always the movement of my life, of my soul, of my heart, of my libido. This oscillating is what keeps my mechanism in motion and producing electricity. If this movement is stopped I become clogged up and I stagnate and start to rot in my own juices. For cleanliness and health, I need to be allowed to swing from the loving bosom of —–, to the most rampant purifying pornography and prostitution. I must allow myself this, and I must institute it. If she will allow it, then all for the good, if she will not allow it then I cannot blame her. Today we are together buying ferns. I must start my one day trips to Vienna and Berlin and Munich as soon as possible. I do not have the money. I have no money in my bank. I have no spending money but I have to go.
June 11, 2016 §
I miss the old complete freedom. But I had complete freedom in Brussels and Berlin and was miserable all the time. There is a purity to being completely alone, in cold air and icy mountains. So perhaps I just have to mix the two. Thomas Mann was a gay man trapped in a conventional marriage but he loved his wife so much. Gustav von Aschenbach was a gay man trapped in a conventional marriage but he loved his wife so much. Oscar Wilde was a gay man trapped in a conventional marriage but he loved his wife so much. I am not gay. I just like to live the life of the cock. Pure Priapism. Pornography and Prostitution, every day, every minute. It is not going away. Writing, drinking, classical music, ferns, pornography and prostitution. This is purity. Marriage is not. Marriage is clogging everything up, imprisoning.
June 9, 2016 §
If I’m in a strange city, or even in my own, I always feel more comfortable and relaxed in the red light districts. Even if I’m drinking in a normal pub, I like it to be next to a strip club, I feel so much more at ease. Tallulah and Esmeralda calm my soul. To do something naughty, and cross some line, is so exciting and so relaxing, even if, or perhaps especially if, one is married to someone deeply loved. Like soldiers returning from the first world war taking morphine to cope with the pain of their wounds but then becoming addicted to the morphine, my response to despair was pornography and prostitution; when the despair passed and I became happy I remained addicted to the pornography and prostitution.