November 27, 2017 §
We are entering the dark world now. The witching months. The world of Sneaker Pimps, and I Am X. The Shining Road world. I will stay away from M— and J— as long as I can, so I can go back with a real taste of blood in my mouth. I will stay away from Demi and Pamela as long as I can, so that I am wanting them so much. Tenseness, eroticism, and repulsive pathology. I want to recapture the “innocence” of my first days sinning. When every visit was exciting. When everything was an illicit thrill. I am entering a dark place in my life again. Once more I am diving deeper into darkness. Just a little bit of abstention makes everything seem more alive again. Just a little bit of continence makes everything taste stronger again.
November 12, 2017 §
So often I go the theatre or the opera and come away feeling edified and yet at the same time thinking was that it? Only later after it has sunk down inside me, and been covered by other layers of memories, other layers of dead fauna and flora, does it start to become rich, and come back to the surface, and become a treasure I can use. It enriches my soil, though it may be a long while before any especially spectacular blooms and blossoms emerge from it, but they will. How I remember coming out of all the exhibitions I have been to, the Caravaggio, the Ingres, the Nolde, all the operas, Manon, Die Soldaten, Tristan & Isolde, feeling what was the point of that, but now all of them are such rich memories, that seem to stand as flags for whole epochs of my life. How I remember the great sex-dancers of my life, the one in the gold dress and gold shoes who used to dance to Low Red Moon and the dirty song about fucking in the jungle, black feathers, Dita Parlo, Sex on the Beach, Sylvia, Jolanda, Pink. Clarisse in Brussels, Susi and Irina and Viktoriya and Patricia and Bella Rosa in Munich. Martina in Nuremberg. All the great memories of the butterflies, who provided those “high moments that persuade us to put off suicide”, Emily in Munich, Iga and Riccarda and Yulia and Diana and Arrika and Olga and Alla in Berlin. In Moloch, Ana Maria and Lela and Olga and Turkish girl and the Egyptian. How can you not sin when it provides such rich memories. And so my life overheats, and the greenhouse effect runs out of control, and I cannot now avoid the temperature rising by at very least 3°C, and I destroy my future.
November 11, 2017 §
I think I spent all my childhood and youth expecting people to attack me and rip me to shreds like wolves, so when at the age of 28 it finally happened, and society launched an all-out war of annihilation against me, I was actually ready for it, and almost relieved that here it was at last; like Lulu had been dreaming all her life of being killed by a sex maniac and on Christmas Eve in London she got her dearest wish. I wanted to be destroyed for avoiding love and choosing sin instead. Sin increased my misery and to be destroyed for it would increase my misery to the absolute ultimate degree. This masochism was my true perversion. I wanted to be beaten and attacked, just so I could show my contempt for them all the more. “See! I am not even defending myself! This is how total my contempt for you is! Bring it on! And look! Still getting away with it!”
November 11, 2017 §
I can’t cope with emotions. If it is just sin it is all right; but as soon as emotions become involved, then something explodes inside me, and I cannot cope with it. I lost myself in sin because I was unhappy. It was a way to assuage & forget my unhappiness. Love was not possible so sin was the substitute.
December 10, 2016 §
There was a time when people tried to use my sordid private life against me, and bring it out into the open in order to destroy me. The fact that I exult in my sordidness, and in response flaunted it in their faces more and more, provoked, provoked, provoked, eventually confounded them. Whenever anyone tries to make you ashamed of doing something, do it more. This is my mantra in life. I let them bash their brains out against me, like moths against a lighthouse. When people attack you, you can play them like a piano. It is the ultimate compliment and you should be thrilled by it! They only attack you because they are jealous of you, and want exactly what you have got. The beautiful girl at school gets attacked because the attackers want her beauty. The intelligent boy at school gets attacked because the attackers want his intelligence. This is the way of the world, and when you learn it, you can ride the stormy seas with no fear. The hard thing is it can take many years until you do learn this.