December 10, 2016 §
There was a time when people tried to use my sordid private life against me, and bring it out into the open in order to destroy me. The fact that I exult in my sordidness, and in response flaunted it in their faces more and more, provoked, provoked, provoked, eventually confounded them. Whenever anyone tries to make you ashamed of doing something, do it more. This is my mantra in life. I let them bash their brains out against me, like moths against a lighthouse. When people attack you, you can play them like a piano. It is the ultimate compliment and you should be thrilled by it! They only attack you because they are jealous of you, and want exactly what you have got. The beautiful girl at school gets attacked because the attackers want her beauty. The intelligent boy at school gets attacked because the attackers want his intelligence. This is the way of the world, and when you learn it, you can ride the stormy seas with no fear. The hard thing is it can take many years until you do learn this.
October 20, 2016 §
I could sit on the side of the Dome facing the Boulevard du Jardin Botanique and the bright neon light of the Brussels Grill and the Thon Hotel and all the traffic and the big crossroads; instead I prefer to sit Adolphe Max side, where I can see the ABC (and shells of the California and Gascogne). I only feel calm near the sex places. I am thoroughly perverted, depraved, turned toward sin, but I am also very intelligent, very cultured, very refined.
June 28, 2016 §
I say I could live like a monk for ten years, but would then become a dry fossil, but a year of family life has had rather that effect as well. I have kept going out, leaking money every week, trying to grab small little pleasures for myself, but it seems to me that I have not done ENOUGH. Instead of meekly, timidly, dipping my toe into my old sinful pleasures, on a regular basis, I should have saved my money for spectacular debauches—great trips to Vienna, Munich, Berlin. Dipping my toes in constantly meant I was constantly losing money but not doing enough to get any pleasure or satisfaction or relief out of it. To keep the pendulum swinging one must do spectacular splurges, then one can feel good for weeks afterwards. These little sins I keep committing do not satisfy me for more than a few minutes. Whatever you do, do it with a vengeance or don’t do it at all. If you’re going to flash, flash hard, then you are more likely to get away with it. It is the meek, timid, scared little prods and pushes that will always get you caught out. I must be MORE daring, more provocative, and damn the consequences. “Boredom is the despairing refusal to be oneself” said Kierkegaard, and I have been so scared of ——‘s reaction I have allowed myself to refuse to be myself. The more I can be myself the more I will love her.
June 3, 2016 §
I am Phedre continuing to seduce long after seduction has ceased to be a pleasure. I think a man wants to keep sinning as long as he can, as he cannot take his cock with him when he dies, and there is a kind of reflex panic at the thought. It’s that right to sin being taken away when one is still young, in one’s 20s & 30s & 40s. Look at Berlusconi, he is terrified of no longer being able to do it. If he stopped f–king young girls he would suddenly start to look and feel his age, and shrivel up and die very quickly. His power comes from his virility. I too believe it is my dirty mind that keeps me looking so young. What I have decided is I have to write. It is my life-blood. To that I am already inclined to add, and I have to sin. But what sin? Apart from the ——-, I hate all of the strip clubs. I find Esmeraldas like cold mutton. Porn kinos completely bore me and I can’t wait to leave as soon as I arrive. I certainly have no desire whatsoever for any other woman. So what is then this sinning that I think I still yearn for? Well, clearly, the only thing that I still enjoy is the ——-;—but to watch the girls at the ——- annoys and upsets my wife so much and I do not want to do that.
May 29, 2016 §
Let me commence a new career of sinning in Moloch. I need to sin. I sin therefore I am. Olga, Vanessa, Arrika and Evalina were all still in Berlin all looking much much worse for wear and nothing like the voluptuous beauties of my memory. It was a shocking eye-opener. Were they really that bad before? I will not remember one single woman from this holiday. Maybe it is because I am married now (am I still?) to the sexiest woman in the world, I really don’t look so much or care so much. Going to Berlin was a mad crazy thing and I salute myself for it, as I sit in the library gazing out to the lush fronds crowding around the French windows, the last heat of summer warming me, butterflies chasing each other in and out. Already I am frisky again! But I do not summon my negroid; I search for something else. I think this rush helter skelter back to London that has cost me £850 is glorious and mad and crazy. I must lead a double life in the ruins. I crave ruins and degradation. All that talk in Stations 2006 about how much I longed to go back to Europe is perfect for Casanova. But now it is something else; about being able to find a life in the ruins while remaining married. Important concepts are starting to emerge and crystallise after this strange two days in Brussels and Berlin.