November 15, 2017 §
I preferred Munich before it was overrun by Ukrainians, due to the visa scandal whereby the German Embassy in Kiev were giving passports out like smarties, as stunning as many of them undoubtedly are. I preferred it when there was more of a balance, between Brazilians, Slovakians, Romanians, Russians, Ukrainians. Now it is wall to wall Ukrainians. Similarly I preferred London before it became overrun by Brazilians, again as stunning as many of them are. Sunset Strip certainly used to be better when there was a balance, and much more interesting variety of girls, when it was more like a burlesque show, and the Carnival I have never ceased to mourn. Where is silver dressed Fat Bottomed Girl now? It is amazing how often when you first go to a place, the first girl you see turns out to be the most legendary and stunning you will ever see. When I first walked into Carnival there was silver dress girl up there on stage, the most voluptuous stripper I have ever seen in my life. As good as all the Carnival girls were, no one surpassed silver dress girl. How the first time I stepped downstairs into Sunset Strip, the girl came on dancing to My Name Is Tallulah, Tallulah since becoming my word for that whole world. That whole way of life. That whole addiction. An addiction, I might add, that has suddenly becoming crashingly dull to me. The first time I ever set foot in Stutti Frutti in Berlin the first girl I saw was the extraordinary Yulia. A month later the first time I set foot in Mon Cheri I met the stunning Riccarda, and recorded in my journal at the time that I felt like I had just f–ked Marilyn Monroe. A month later the first time I set foot in the Golden Gate, I met Iga. Three of the greatest women of my life and all were met the first time I set foot in their respective establishments, all of which have been desolate wastelands whenever I return to them now. The last time I went to Berlin I made my first visits to the Mazurka and met the extraordinary sisters Alla & Olga and I have no doubt I will never see them again, and I carried on down the road to make my first visit to Ciro and met the mindblowing Arrica, again who I am sure will have disappeared from the face of the earth if I ever go back & no one will even admit to having heard of her.
October 21, 2016 §
But the world of Tallulah and Esmeralda has provided all the richness to my sad, lonely young man’s life, and I am eternally grateful to it, and I will always love all the strippers and whores who gave me so many high nights of most exquisite pleasure—from the high-stepping Welsh brunette with red boa at Sunset Strip who always, always, always danced to La Vie En Rose, to Swedish Pamela in Soho, Berliner Riccarda in Berlin, Martina in Nuremberg, all of them, I revere and worship them all. For me the word whore is far from being a pejorative—exactly the opposite. They have kept me alive, and enriched my life. It is just sad that all the beautiful ones have now gone, as the ice disappears.
July 17, 2016 §
I am totally sated with Tallulah now. I feel I know all of the Tallulahs in London by name, and they all know me, and they all know I am with —–, so there is no mystery or sinful seduction left in that sphere. It used to be the thrill of a curtain opening and anonymous unknown women disrobing and dancing for you, but now it is like watching my sisters or —–‘s sisters dancing—totally unerotic. This is what makes me wonder if there is any jolly to be found back in the old world of Esmeralda, but my initial searches have been profoundly discouraging. Interesting to wonder if I will find anything at all in Vienna to whet my jaded appetite. To be really turned on again by a stranger! Is it possible for me? I don’t think so.
July 6, 2016 §
I can say I want to go back to seeing Esmeraldas again, but I went to Brussels and there was absolutely no one I wanted to go near, and I went to Berlin and there was absolutely no one I wanted to go near. I am sure Vienna and Munich will be the same—maybe I just need to sink back into it. Dipping my toes in will never work. It has to be all or nothing. I want to keep spending more money I do not have, and keep going to Europe, and keep meeting Esmeralda. Tallulah is boring to me now, I have exhausted Tallulah, I cannot remember the last time Tallulah excited me. Those great nights at Carnival, Boulevard, SS, even — in the early days.
June 9, 2016 §
It’s like the retreat from Empire. How does a nation feel when it’s had to give up its Empire. It is hard to readjust. From being so powerful and omnipotent, able to do whatever you wanted and nobody could say anything, to having to now fit in with everybody else. It is like Britain giving up Hong Kong. It is hard to accept it is over. So I keep going to T&E, a little bit, becoming increasingly angry and unhappy at myself for doing so. How to make this retreat bearable and even exciting: document it.