Every time I run away I’m running deeper into my cracks, deeper into examining myself and researching myself

October 13, 2017 § Leave a comment

Every time I run away, I’m running deeper into my cracks, deeper into examining myself and researching myself, and this is the most rewarding thing in the history of my entire life: this is the FIRST rewarding thing in the history of my entire life.
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I can’t keep papering over the cracks: everything you say makes me feel that is what you want. I want to live IN the cracks

October 13, 2017 § Leave a comment

I can’t keep papering over the cracks: everything you say makes me feel that is what you want. I want to live IN the cracks, like the black smokers at the bottom of the oceans. Everything is geared to turning me around, whereas I want someone to share with me that I cannot be turned around, people like me cannot be turned around, all they can do is keep writing on the edge of the abyss, like Philip O’Connor.

I wanted it to be an open discussion with nothing ruled in and nothing ruled out. Just to talk amidst the destruction and see what naturally emerged

October 3, 2017 § Leave a comment

I wanted it to be an open discussion, with nothing ruled in and nothing ruled out. Just to talk amidst the destruction and see what naturally emerged. Let the river take its natural course. But I felt she was dictating the course too much, she was trying to shunt this river down one particular siding, to mix metaphors, a siding which denied my rich imagination, my rich inner world. She was trying to influence the outcome too much, she was loading the dice, and that bothered me: I wanted to talk to someone and thereby come to a solution myself. It was too directed.

My goal? To put myself on the edge of existence and see what’s there; hold myself there in that extreme place

September 27, 2017 § Leave a comment

My goal?
To put myself on the edge of existence, and see what’s there; hold myself there in that extreme place. In that extreme place you can record yourself. You have to get beyond people before you can really start to record. Relationships are a messy nuisance. Unnecessary pressure and strain. I am one of the wonders of the world because I do lean at a strange angle. It is a good fix, I don’t really want to give it up do I? You’re dragging me back from the edge of existence. Psychologically my therapy hadn’t ended; psychologically I needed it to end properly, then I could go on with my life. I am anarchic and wild. Be anarchic and wild in every second!

You think I should change to fit in with your dogma when surely your dogma should change to encompass my extremes?

September 27, 2017 § Leave a comment

You think I should change to fit in with your dogma, when surely your dogma should change to encompass my extremes?

I feel like a butterfly and you’ve pinned me to the board; every time I flutter my wings a bit you hit the pin in even further

September 24, 2017 § Leave a comment

I feel like a butterfly, and you’ve pinned me to the board; every time I flutter my wings a bit you hit the pin in even further. I want to find my own way to live, I don’t like it if you think you’ve already got the answer. The patient is likely to fall back inside themselves again. I think if you won’t admit the problem you can’t help soften it. I feel I’m fighting for my survival, and I wanted your help. If you’re different in any way, you have to fight for your right to be different, because people will try and crush you for it; you are joining in. I feel like the man in The Crucible. You seem to see my difference as something that has to be cured, whereas I see it as something that has to be developed, and exploited.

I’ve spent my whole life with people trying to make me feel ashamed: I’m here to tell them they have failed and I have survived and now they better run for cover

September 23, 2017 § Leave a comment

I’ve spent my whole life with people trying to make me feel ashamed: I’m here to tell them they have failed and I have survived, and now they better run for cover, because I AM a vampire and I’m proud of it, and when I’m in a position to start settling scores they will feel there isn’t a hiding place in the world that I won’t find them in. I’ve been on the back foot for 28 years, and finding me in that vulnerable position, Sarah tried to deliver the coup de grâce and finish me off; I’ve survived her too: I will not be destroyed, I am a rare and endangered species, and I will not be made extinct just to make life easier for the stupid people. Time was on Dracula’s side, time was on Oscar Wilde’s side, time was on Van Gogh’s side: they all still live, more powerful than ever. Their detractors are dead & buried and anonymous forever. I am inhuman, but I’m still more human than you are.

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