January 23, 2017 §
I feel now like I did before my first grand tour to Sweden, Berlin, Vienna and Munich in 1999; incredibly small and attacked, yet hoping to learn something about myself in the despair and the black nights and the loneliness of my journey. This is when the wolves all come out and fall upon you.
January 22, 2017 §
It is true, though, that I love those long train journeys across Europe. Just to spend some days alone with my thoughts and my pen and paper. Perhaps I can enjoy one last Grand Tour of all my favourite places, before I retire from it. Oh but then a year later I will want one more Grand Tour just for old time’s sake, and it will never really end. I don’t know if I can really give up the solitary travelling. It does fulfill some need I have for solitariness. Like Helmut Kohl once a year would take himself off to a health spa. Last year I travelled to Europe four times and spent a total of 12 nights away from home, away from ——. 12 nights to myself out of 365 is not much is it? Perhaps I should allow myself just one Grand Tour a year, and in that tour go to all my places in one go. That is the glory of the Inter Rail Pass. If you are bored in one place, just jump on a train and leave sooner than you planned. If you stop off in another place not planning to stay, but find something amazing to detain you, just hang around longer than planned. That is why going on holiday by plane and just flying from A to B then back home to A again is so boring. Yes, let me allow myself one Grand Tour a year. Then I can just dip into northern Italy for a day or two, just dip into Switzerland and the Alps for a day or two. Get little tasters of those places I have always wanted to go to but will probably never have the time or money to ever really explore as much as I want. If I allow myself one Grand Tour a year, I will be free to go to as many beaches and clear blue seas as —— wants the rest of the year, to try to erase my guilt and shame at leaving her alone! See! I have already talked myself back into travelling alone!
January 21, 2017 §
To turn my back on the ice and high mountains, on the glaciers and the Jungfraujoch, and turn instead to white beaches, clear blue seas, steaming palmhouses. To leave behind the bar of the Berlin Plaza, the Rechthaler Hof restaurant in Munich, the Café du Dôme and Brussels Grill in Brussels? Already the doubts set in! But I love —– too much and hate leaving her behind too much. Of course I can still enjoy some small pleasures in the hothouse, sultry atmosphere of London in summer when —– is busy.
January 19, 2017 §
It is my frustrated desire to return to Europe, to go out at all, that is causing all these floods in Germany, Austria and the Czech Republic. Passau has almost completely disappeared. I am becoming heavy, and sodden, with this desire to travel again. The more I am not able to travel, because of debts, tenderness, and infection, the more the temptation grows. Now all I want to do is go on holiday with —–.
January 17, 2017 §
I think my sub-conscious knew I was edging towards returning to a Grand Tour of Europe I can certainly in no way afford, and deep down do not want to go on, as I do not want to leave —– anymore, but still I was getting closer to doing it, so my sub-conscious knew it has to throw a huge spanner in the works, and make sure I did not make that terrible mistake again. The virus is my also nagging desire to go back to Europe, and as long as that is in my system, and as long as the consequent repulsion at the thought of going back to Europe is also in my system, so the infection will persist and not lose an iota of its virulence. The infection is manifest visual representation of the battle that is waging inside me, Jakob with the Angel, Gandalf with the Balrog, over whether I go back to Europe or not. The infection is me telling myself: No! Do not do something you really do not want to do! Resist your old temptation! You must fight against slipping back into that old addiction, travelling, travelling, travelling, all with money you do not have! Do not slip back into the plus £20,000 debts again! There will not be another financial miracle sent your way to get you out of it next time! That was your second chance and don’t blow it!
January 16, 2017 §
There is no cream or oil or pills that will cure me of this bothersome infection; it will only be cured in my mind. Therefore I resolve to just forget about it, accept it will always be there and then one day find it has gone. It has affected and curtailed my behaviour for a long time, so god knows what financial straits I would be in if I had not had this infection; even more catastrophically bad than they are now for sure. It may be it will continue to curtail my behaviour for a very long time to come, and a very good thing, too! The plans to travel back to Europe again get pushed back month after month, and I now shelve them indefinitely. The thought of leaving —– behind I also find increasingly difficult to confront.
January 13, 2017 §
It is not surprising I feel jaded—since I started travelling in 1999 I have been to Europe 35 times; and that includes 7 visits to Vienna, 12 to Munich, 15 to Brussels and 16 to Berlin. Yes I want to go on the Bernina Express, yes I want to go on the Jungfrau train to the Jungfraujoch, yes I want to travel all around Italy by train; but whenever my financial well fills up enough to allow me to travel again, I know I will more than likely head back to Brussels, Munich and Berlin once more.