I want that Libertines world, that Hogarth world, that Dowson world. “The sight of a whore is profoundly thrilling to a man”

December 7, 2017 § Leave a comment

I want that Libertines world, that Hogarth world, that Dowson world. “The sight of a whore is profoundly thrilling to a man”. It has been three days since I last saw —– and already it feels like an eternity. It feels so long since I last saw her. My life is just going through the boring motions, work, work, work. The only thing that gives it a spark is my writing, and time spent with a loved one if such a thing were ever possible for me.
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I love the wicked women. I have met some women I could trust in that broken world, Lela, for example, Ana Maria, Pamela. Diana in Berlin or Riccarda

December 4, 2017 § Leave a comment

I love the wicked women. I have met some women I could trust in that broken world, Lela, for example, Ana Maria, Pamela. Diana in Berlin or Riccarda. Probably not Iga, as much as I love her! You can genuinely touch someone in that world and be touched by them, I think. I always go into that world looking for love, as I think they are the only women I could ever love. The clink of gold in the glass. The Tallulahs are probably no more cynical than the Esmeraldas. They are only nice to you as long as you are filling their glass with gold. Still, I think you can meet some exceptions, when something genuine passes between you, with Susi, with Janet, with —–. And if I am wrong, then it does not matter. Fleetingly, it felt nice to feel there was something real between us, if only in the blink of an eye. It is those moments that you keep going out looking for. That is what you keep gambling for, throwing so much money down on the roulette table for the very occasional moment when you get back more than you put in. That is what you keep trawling the broken world for, those fleeting moments when eye meets eye and some spark of electricity passes between you, and that current brings you back to life, for a couple of hours, or for one night, at least. That is what the poems of Hart Crane speak to me of: “The flesh assaults outright for bolts that linger” The wine menagerie. How you put on your beer goggles, so everything looks magical, everyone looks beautiful and desirable, and everyone seems to find you beautiful and desirable in return. If it is all commerce, simply, then no matter. There are just those brief moments when it seems so real, comes so close to being real, that it is as good as real. In every city there is Helen of Troy locked up somewhere in a room. She lives on like Orlando, like Emilia Makropulos. You go out every night searching for her, as David Tennant’s Casanova always searches for Laura Fraser. “The sight of a whore is profoundly thrilling to a man”.

La Traviata the opera of a consumptive whore is coming to mean something special to me

November 30, 2017 § Leave a comment

La Traviata, the opera of a consumptive whore, is coming to mean something special to me, since seeing Stefania Bonfadelli at the Deutsche Oper, and Christine Schäfer at the Staatsoper. It does remind me so much of Riccarda, Diana, Iga, but also of Lela, Ana Maria, Olga, all of whom I have seen deteriorate before my eyes. It is back at ENO this month. There is also Anna Caterina Antonacci and Marina Domashenko as Carmen at Covent Garden.maxresdefault

I no longer have to wait till October 31st as that was predicated on seeing Violeta Urmana in the Mort de Cleopatra in Berlin. I could go mid-September!

November 23, 2017 § Leave a comment

I no longer have to wait till October 31st as that was predicated on seeing Violeta Urmana in the Mort de Cleopatra in Berlin. I could go mid-September! Some people have got a mortgage, some people have got a car—I spend my money on travelling only, which is the greatest thing, and watching showgirls, and sleeping with the most beautiful whores in the world. I can have three more weeks at work, then go on 5th September. In Vienna, you will not see anything better than Melani, or Jolanda, or Deborah. If I get out of my depth financially after two nights in Brussels, and two nights in Munich, I can always cut and run and come home. There are two good reasons for going in September (1) to see Die Entfuhrung aus dem Serail at La Monnaie Brussels with Alexandra Lubchansky (2) the Maria Callas exhibition at Vienna KHM till 17 September. I will stay first night in Brussels SAS for Empire, then go straight to Vienna next day to spend Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night in Vienna Dorint, back to Brussels Ibis early Sunday morning to see Serail Sunday.Urmana-Violeta-11

In Munich and Berlin in particular I have had nights so magical that I can scarcely believe that they really did happen. Did they really happen?

November 18, 2017 § Leave a comment

In Munich and Berlin, in particular, I have had nights so magical, that I can scarcely believe that they really did happen. Did they really happen? Why then have my last six trips, Berlin twice, Munich twice, Frankfurt and Brussels, been so unmagical? I think it is because of the steadily accumulating crippling debt which weighed like an ever-heavier millstone around my neck, and I became over-emotionally involved just looking for Riccarda, Iga, Diana, Viktoriya, instead of having new, exciting, open experiences. I will feel fresh and open to new experiences when I go back, I will walk with the huge swinging cock between my legs, pulsing, sore, swollen, swinging from side to side like a ship in a storm, looking for the first voluptuous floozie I can find, be it Clarisse, or Alla & Olga, or Arrica. I will use Brussels to get me turned on so I am bursting to release it in Berlin. I will use Munich to get me turned on so I am bursting to release it in Vienna. Let us not forget that magical night I met Martina, walking around and lounging around the Pils Bar with the most massive breasts you will ever see in your life! The magical night I met Clarisse in Brussels dancing on stage when I went in with breasts every bit as big! I have got to go back to Copenhagen and Malmo and Oslo one day. Will I ever have a night as magical as watching England v Turkey in the Café Belge of the Brussels Ibis and having Nicky come to me & then come to my room! And I haven’t even mentioned the night I walked back into Atlantic City to be hugged by Patricia, then finding Suzy up on stage in diamond dress smiling down at me, then peeking into separée to find naked Irina on some man’s lap in a white phosphorescent light, and ending with Viktoriya! I could not enjoy Pils Bar the second & third times I went there, because I could not afford to even buy a girl a drink, let alone touch her. My debt is the reason for everything going flat and dull. If I can keep up my hoarding ways, I can be free of the debt. Already in one week I have saved 130 Euros. By the time the clocks go back at the end of October & the start of the witching months, I should have saved 1,300 Euros. Enough to go with every floozie I want in Brussels and Berlin.Overdeveloped_Ladies_4_Pic_152

What I wrote 8th September last year? “I would not want to stay living in this house. No point having a place of my own if it is so far from London”

November 18, 2017 § Leave a comment

What I wrote 8th September last year? “I would not want to stay living in this house. No point having a place of my own if it is so far from London. I would want a one bedroom flat, lined with my books from floor to ceiling! Tropical ferns all over the floor. Classical music playing. My manuscripts in a drawer. It would have to be more central on a tube line. The only advantage to living in —— now is my mother.” How poignant it is to hear Kings of Leon Red Morning Light and Strokes 12:51 again! Of course I will travel again this year, and of course I will go first to Brussels. I always start in Brussels. I want to spend long long nights lying in the dark of my flat on the floor listening to my Viennese Eroticism classical music tapes or my old Abba tapes. What joy this is going to be for the next 8 weeks. I HAVE been spending almost exactly £100 a week on drink & strippers/whores for as long as I can remember, so it is not unreasonable to guess I could save £80 a week by only going to the Calcutta occasionally, and if we have ten weeks to go till end of October, surely I can save £800?

30 October Berlin for Violeta Urmana in La Mort de Cleopatra, 31 October for Prokina in Hamburg, 1 & 2 November Copenhagen for Mak Case

November 17, 2017 § Leave a comment

30 October Berlin for Violeta Urmana in La Mort de Cleopatra, 31 October for Prokina in Hamburg, 1 & 2 November Copenhagen for Mak Case. All those plane trips to Berlin, Vienna, Munich were so boring because it took me two hours to get to Heathrow, an hour for waiting, 2 hours for flight, whereas the joy of Eurostar is it takes me just 30 minutes to get there, and I can be on my way. I want to taste a bit of Brussels, the Wiertz & Modern Art & Gare du Nord, then a bit of Munich, Lamm’s & Atlantic City, then a bit of Nuremberg, Pils & Caribic, then a bit of Vienna, Seilerstätte, Radisson SAS, Manhattan & Pour Platin, then Berlin Plaza for knesepfanne & Berliner Pils, Alte National Gallery, BEC, Sarah Young, Stuttgarter Platz, Ciro, Violeta Urmana, then Hamburg for Prokina. I think Copenhagen would be too far. Save money (!) for La Traviata in Berlin in January with Anna Samuil. Look at the great memories from the past—it is ALL whores and porn films! Almost never strippers! Not since red wig DD days, Czech Boulevard girl, Carnival fat bottomed girl. Innocent days. Minnie the Moocher days. But the great joy is spending some long time in a city, and being able to relax. Settle into the hotel bar every night watching the TV, seeing the single women, like with Nicky and others in the Brussels Ibis. To try and squeeze four cities into one trip is madness. Be nice to relax in Brussels for four days, a trip to Namur?, before getting long train to Berlin, for four days there. All the time in the world to relax in Brussels, Pullman Bar, Radisson SAS or Ibis, Wiertz, Modern, Empire on the Saturday night, Gare du Nord. All the time looking forward to that long trip to Berlin & Berlin Plaza. So I can have a knesepfanne when I arrive & a Berliner Pils. Or should I leave Berlin to January for La Traviata? And go first to Munich for just two nights, then on to Vienna for three nights. Settle into Brussels and draw out all the smutty possibilities from its morbid eroticism. Really, there is nothing unmissable that would make me go to Berlin in October, but there is in January for La Traviata. Even Prokina in Hamburg is not so riveting. Maybe maybe Urmana in Cleopatra on 30 October. It would nice to go to Dresden to see the cathedral?

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