January 21, 2017 §
To turn my back on the ice and high mountains, on the glaciers and the Jungfraujoch, and turn instead to white beaches, clear blue seas, steaming palmhouses. To leave behind the bar of the Berlin Plaza, the Rechthaler Hof restaurant in Munich, the Café du Dôme and Brussels Grill in Brussels? Already the doubts set in! But I love —– too much and hate leaving her behind too much. Of course I can still enjoy some small pleasures in the hothouse, sultry atmosphere of London in summer when —– is busy.
January 19, 2017 §
It is my frustrated desire to return to Europe, to go out at all, that is causing all these floods in Germany, Austria and the Czech Republic. Passau has almost completely disappeared. I am becoming heavy, and sodden, with this desire to travel again. The more I am not able to travel, because of debts, tenderness, and infection, the more the temptation grows. Now all I want to do is go on holiday with —–.
January 6, 2017 §
I no longer have enemies; I now have a wife.
January 1, 2017 §
The greatest thing in my life is -—. The greatest treasure. The greatest riches. The great miracle. I want her always in the centre of my life, though I would understand if she wanted something better.
November 7, 2016 §
It is just the natural evolution of me as a human being. I don’t know what I am going to become, nobody does. I feel like a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis. I am becoming more and more not the man my wife thought or hoped I could be, but I am becoming more and more naturally myself—and that may mean I have to be alone forever. “We are all of us growing volcanoes, nearing the moment of their eruption” said Nietzsche. Nothing else is so important than to follow what you are drawn to. To resist provokes depression, miserableness, and resentment. We have to travel towards “what we believe to be the most beautiful thing”, like Helen, choosing to sail with Paris to Troy, no matter the cataclysm and doom it would provoke. I love that kind of purity. I can only live in that purity. Every moment to be responsive to your drives, your urges, to beauty you encounter.