I needed Sarah’s help to keep me leaning at a precarious angle without falling, not to put me straight; that is missing the point

July 27, 2017 § Leave a comment

I needed Sarah’s help to keep me leaning at a precarious angle without falling, not to put me straight; that is missing the point. I have to be helped to create, that is to function better as a writer, be more productive as a writer, because that is what I am, but I’m being prevented from being it by my conflicts and feeling of falling.

I can’t do anything worthwhile till I’m in my 30s anyway in decadent Berlin with floozies in brothels

July 14, 2017 § Leave a comment

I can’t do anything worthwhile till I’m in my 30s anyway, in decadent Berlin, with floozies in brothels, my face is too young, so might as well make use of this pleasant waiting time to write my books telling my story up to now, reappraising, just typing up the backlog. This is like the timeless woman-filled warm paradise of 1 to 4 years old. This is the best time of my life. I can see now my life hasn’t even begun, nor should it till my late 30s. This is the warm paradise before the real action begins, and I arrive in Berlin of Europa Europa, Rosa Luxemburg floozies. Floozies are good! Wedekind, Toulouse-Lautrec, with flamboyant Mephistophelian luxurious swagger. It’s what you think about things, not the situation itself. It’s all positive interpretation. I’m very fortunate, writers get better, they don’t even start till their 40s. This is the delirious warm paradise before my real life begins! Filled with warm girls, floozies, sex-dancers, at Babushka, Shang-hai and Maxim’s! Even at the Post Office that was part of warm paradise.

grosz-g-8-sm

It is true though that I love those long train journeys across Europe. Just to spend some days alone with my thoughts and my pen and paper

January 22, 2017 § Leave a comment

It is true, though, that I love those long train journeys across Europe. Just to spend some days alone with my thoughts and my pen and paper. Perhaps I can enjoy one last Grand Tour of all my favourite places, before I retire from it. Oh but then a year later I will want one more Grand Tour just for old time’s sake, and it will never really end. I don’t know if I can really give up the solitary travelling. It does fulfill some need I have for solitariness. Like Helmut Kohl once a year would take himself off to a health spa. Last year I travelled to Europe four times and spent a total of 12 nights away from home, away from ——. 12 nights to myself out of 365 is not much is it? Perhaps I should allow myself just one Grand Tour a year, and in that tour go to all my places in one go. That is the glory of the Inter Rail Pass. If you are bored in one place, just jump on a train and leave sooner than you planned. If you stop off in another place not planning to stay, but find something amazing to detain you, just hang around longer than planned. That is why going on holiday by plane and just flying from A to B then back home to A again is so boring. Yes, let me allow myself one Grand Tour a year. Then I can just dip into northern Italy for a day or two, just dip into Switzerland and the Alps for a day or two. Get little tasters of those places I have always wanted to go to but will probably never have the time or money to ever really explore as much as I want. If I allow myself one Grand Tour a year, I will be free to go to as many beaches and clear blue seas as —— wants the rest of the year, to try to erase my guilt and shame at leaving her alone! See! I have already talked myself back into travelling alone!

It is funny when I find old notes from previous holidays previously disregarded

January 12, 2017 § Leave a comment

It is funny when I find old notes from previous holidays previously disregarded. When I look back at some trips there may be one or two things that I always remember that trip for, but then when I find my old notes from that trip I find those one or two things were never even mentioned by me at the time. When I put old notes that I have just rediscovered into my book so often they instantly become the best and most powerful part of the book. Munich is really where it all began for me. It is where I was born as a European traveller. I got the Eurostar to Brussels and after taking no more than one step outside the Gare du Midi station into the alien Brussels street, I changed straight on to the night train to Munich. Arriving at the crack of dawn next morning with no German language, no German money, nowhere to stay, that is where I began to learn how to be a traveller. That was the start of my first Grand Tour. I itch to start another (literally & metaphorically).

I want my desires to be like Dirk Bogarde’s in Death in Venice; aching, yearning, quivering, shaking with repressed longings, lusts

January 9, 2017 § Leave a comment

I want my desires to be like Dirk Bogarde’s in Death in Venice; aching, yearning, quivering, shaking with repressed longings, lusts; to want something so much but to be so afraid of the shame that you will bring on yourself if you did it and got “caught”; when you no longer fear getting caught, when there is no sense of the forbidden, the verboten, the taboo, all the point goes out of it. I want to wander again the diseased, bleach-drenched streets of Venice [Nuremberg, Munich, Berlin, Vienna, Brussels], bent double with desire for something that I know I can never have, a flower I can never pluck; or can I? why can’t I?! I can do what I want, and to hell with the consequences! To hell with society’s damnation! We are in hell when we live in accordance with what other people want us to do, and let ourselves be frightened of what other people think of us! To hell with restraints! Embrace relaxes! I want to be bleeding for someone again, to leave so much blood on the tracks of those European cities, their tram tracks; I want to be under such pressure that my nose drips with blood onto the pages of my moleskine notebook as I am writing of my desires with cold blue hands in cold stoveless rooms like Nietzsche. I want more cold! I want more ice! I want more darkness! I want more loneliness! So then I can experience those highs in the low places again! So I can experience that smutty smutty glory, in the dirty sleazy places. To become infected again, worse than before; I can understand how men actually want to fuck without condoms, to risk their own death as that is the only way they can carry on getting the high they need. I can understand how Nietzsche caught syphilis, how Cesare Borgia caught syphilis, how Gustav von Aschenbach caught syphilis. My last experiences with Soho whores were such cheap, unbelievably tawdry and awful experiences, but I got turned on just thinking about them! The girls could barely look at me by the end such was their scorn and disgust; but I don’t care; I love it. It is the very wretchedness of the experience that provides me with the glory I need.

viscdeathtorment

For me the only travelling that is worth anything is travelling alone

January 4, 2017 § 1 Comment

For me the only travelling that is worth anything is travelling alone; which makes things difficult for those in a relationship. Only in the loneliness and the silence do your thoughts come out like bats at night. If you are with someone the noise of your constant chatter scares your thoughts away and they remain out of sight in the shadows, unknown. Like a firefly they live for such a short time, glimmer so brightly then expire, and are gone forever. You must be ready to harvest them at a second’s notice, without delay, lest a single one be lost. Because my thoughts seem so valuable! When I am gone I expect they will build libraries just filled with my writings; all my original notebooks and manuscripts will be pored over by philologists of the future.

Only now am I starting to mine my riches

December 27, 2016 § Leave a comment

Only now am I starting to mine my riches.

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