I am NASTY. I am DISREPUTABLE (25th May 1999)

I am NASTY. I am DISREPUTABLE, like Egon Schiele and Aubrey Beardsley and Wedekind. I love the RICHNESS, and DELICIOUSNESS, and NEW SENSATIONS of my life now. I AM a stirrer. I stir people up then retreat back into my kingdom. Writers are like that, they put all their energy into their work, they’ve got nothing left for other people. I live for the book; I live for creating the book. Always pretend to look upset when K— (or the others) are trying to bother me. MISCHIEF! I go where the story is.

“I lose myself”. “You might find yourself” (16th May 1999)

“I lose myself”. “You might find yourself”. I’m going to do lots of reading now, lots of music listening—the pleasurable things in life. Preparing for my visits to Berlin and Stockholm in autumn. I am so narcissistic. I want to know people are thinking about me. I lead a dirty life, a deliciously dirty life. I am so detached, a writer above everything. INKFINGER. I like to know who I’m getting to.

I WANT people to be fascinated by me (1st May 1999)

I WANT people to be fascinated by me. Obsessed by me. Singling me out. I’m so perverse, I get a kick out of it. The point is: I LOVE my pornographic life. I love my schoolboy fantasies. I love setting myself into my viscerally pleasurable transcendental state.
I’m going to see my people! My subjects! With my big stiff dick stirring inside my trousers, pressing between them.
I’m going to keep pushing them, and keep pushing them. I’m not going to let them off the hook. The rewards are great.

I specialise in shaking people up (25th April 1999)

I specialise in shaking people up. I like fun, and MISCHIEF.
I am making a success of being an autistic prince. The power of my life, the riches. The freedom now. The rewards are great. I am not going to let them off the hook. BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY, and grin cheerfully.
“What pleasure there is in overcoming this stupidity, this weakness; finding happiness despite their eagerness to destroy it, escaping when they believe they have surrounded me, falling in their midst when they have forgotten all about me!” Flaunt it, flaunt it. Stroll, swagger, grinning smugly past them. The more stupidness I can provoke them to, the more of a rich and delicious success it is for me. I’m not going to let them off the hook.
I am a recorder. I am a photographic plate. Oh this intoxication. What a high. The chance to stir up and provoke so many people at once.
They cannot hurt me, because I get lascivious pleasure out of people desperately trying to punish me. I live to scandalise. I am playing a part, to push people, and provoke them.

I need some restraining influences on my life (3rd April 1999)

I need some restraining influences on my life. I want them to play a role for me. I need to provoke them into playing the parts I need them to. I live for pure sex, like Buddha/Tao on my Chinese mission. Sci-Fi, with black slave girls at my feet. Love me or hate me, I’m going to make sure you can’t ignore me; I’m going to get into your flesh. You conquer anything by having a deep interest in everything. I miss the black porn, badly. The big tits black girls in Bow Down Backstreet, the stage full of dancing girls together—will I go back? Now I am balanced again, let them see what I get up to, let them tell again what I do with my big dick. They try to get me down, and they just get me up—they play into my hands, my creed of yellow sexuality. I needed to raise things to a pitch where things could start to happen.

 

SCHOOLBOY MISCHIEF! The pleasure of the boudoirs and the black porn films overwhelms everything (1st April 1999)

SCHOOLBOY MISCHIEF! The pleasure of the boudoirs and the black porn films overwhelms everything. I am Wedekind, enjoying shocking the bourgeoisie. They must be seething with frustration, because they are still powerless to land a single blow on me, still not a mark on me. My book is coming together at last—that is totally thanks to them. I have been given an incentive to go to work and hang on to it. I am happy, & serene, & content, & joyful. Enjoying all the attention I get, revelling in their obsession with me, stimulated and inspired by it; winding them up, winding them up, provoking them, provoking them, so they will stimulate and inspire me even more. Luxuriating in how I have stirred them up, put myself into their brains all the time, while I am still enjoying the warm pleasure of my boudoirs, having more illicit pleasure than them, making their minds boggle, while they are powering and stimulating me.

I am sexually rampant and I’m enjoying it (8 March 1999)

I am sexually rampant, and I’m enjoying it. I love winding up the stupid people of –; I will do everything I can to shock the stupid people. It is my mission: to stir, to annoy, to provoke, the stupid people. People are so curious about me, so attracted to me. Everything people do provides me with riches. I just observe, and record everything. It’s all good material. The stupid people are being tricked into exposing themselves more & more every day. “He’s unbelievable the way he keeps going; he seems to feed off of it!” I am Wedekind, shocking the stupid bourgeoisie. I love being the centre of attention. I feel warmed and comforted by it. I am collecting material every day, that is why I feel so rich. Live with Gunilla in Stockholm.

“He just doesn’t care! He does whatever he wants, as wildly and sleazily as he likes, and he enjoys all of it! What courage! What nerve!” (5 March 1999)

“He just doesn’t care! He does whatever he wants, as wildly and sleazily as he likes, and he enjoys all of it! What courage! What nerve!” Be as strange as you want to be, and still indulge as much dirty sexual pleasure as you want to. I am a highly sexual creature. I love scandalising the bourgeoisie.